Leb' den Tag: February 2005

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Es nervt mich so, dass...

...dass alles heute so kompleziert geworden sind! After classes today i called my poppa to see if he'd pick me up and send me home...well...guess what...everyone came because my brother wanted to buy new school shoes because of the bloody reason that his poor shoes got wet at his camp. Goodness. I felt like screaming. Thinking back to the days when even if my shoes were drenched i'd just put them on again and wear them for another day without any complaint...back then it was much simpler wasn't it?

Second point of contention: my brother then had to go and pick and choose between the absolutely amazing multitude of school shoes available today. Even about 5 to 6 years ago, shoes was a surprisingly simple issue: wear the most trusted canvas shoes around...or maybe it's a TCHS thing but hecks, that's not the point now...for goodness' sake, you are a bloody student and not a fucking metrosexual...es wird eines Tages so, dass Jungen sich pudern müssen, bevor sie in die Schule gehen...sigh is the status symbol today really that important that without it we'd be better off dead or digging a trench to hide ourselves in?

Really am quite disappointed. But thinking back...i just bought a Nokia 6230. Maybe i'm also a victim of what i just described. Sigh...the irony of it all...

Für Sarah, die Prinzessin...

Heya...some things to say to you...first...it's good that you began to keep your blog...a place where you can say what you will...let things off your chest...and...although you are haunted by the past...remember that the past is already set in stone...what matters is now and the future...so although you may relive your deepest fears and nightmares time and time again...don't ever let it weaken you...you will have to face them one day, stare them in the face and then break them down...before it breaks you...and despite having come to be jaded and tired of what this cruel world stands for...have you ever thought of what you are?

You are not some aberration of life. You are not a fallen angel. Your heart is not bound by chains and shackles. Have you ever given any thought to what you have given? Have you ever thought about what people have given you? That is what is worth treasuring. No one will give you your wings...only you can let yourself fly away again. Think of all the times when you helped someone, or times when you brought fun and laughter to others...at times, all of us are little heroes who will open the doors to a brave new world...take care, my friend...

P.S. for Xiaojun...umm...if you can't get the photo in the full size ya...ask me the next time you see me and i'll send it to you...how are you? Getting busy again huh...do take care of yourself...don't say that i should spend less time on you ya...like you said, there'll be no end to this debate...and to me, you are worth all the time and then some...be safe...

FATA table photo...consisting of marvellously many pairs...

(Left to Right) Yu Ru & Yiting, me and jun, Fats and Yenny, Guo-Liang and sister, Mel and, well...Mel!

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Hilfe! Ich bin ausser Geld! | Team Amerika: globale Polizei | Children

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...Today i went and bought the connectivity cable for my phone...wow i feel like i just got bloody robbed...yes...of $88.00 but at least now i can transfer songs and pictures to my hp too...which is kinda cool don't you think? Okay la...seeing that it's a one-off cost...better not complain so much...but still, i feel POOR. Bought a new book to read today (considering the astonishing rate at which i gobble down novels...) so yeah...and now i'm feeling quite poor...sigh okay i shall stop complaining. You give and take, i guess i won't be spending so much next weekend already i guess...yes but that's next weekend! Lassen wir das bis dann...

Went to watch Team America: Global Police today. It's a total satire...which spares no one...haha...celebrities who were used without official permission, wicked spoofs, Kim Jung-Il, the 'beloved' Dear Leader, how America doesn't give a shit to the world and what the world thinks when it comes to some keywords like terrorism and Weapons of Mass Destruction...and how being all armed to the teeth and garang is going to solve problems. Yes, they waltzed into Iraq, deposed the tyrant, and failed to find the Bomb/Bug/whatever they were looking for. Hahaha...it's a puppet movie...but you should watch it for the sheer laughter, the satire, and for some very interesting analogies!

Children...Kinder...their innocence. Their simple way of looking at things...sometimes i wish i was a child. But...the innocence of childhood is always lost...

Kinder

Sie haben hungrige Augen, wollen alles sehen
Sie haben von dieser Welt noch lange nicht genug
Mit einem Finger streicheln sie die Sterne
Funkeln in der Nacht wie ihre Träume...

For them, life is but a simple word
Free of all the sins and hurt
Take their hands and walk in the air
A realm of wonders for all to share...

Ihre Antworten sind ganz einfach und ohne Schuld
Die Sonne schläft schon - deshalb wird es dunkel
Was ist noch zu sagen, wenn man ihre Seele begegnet
Ausser zu lächeln, das Kind in deinen Armen zu nehmen?

They know nothing of the cruel road they must walk
Yet they will show us more than teachers can ever teach
With them, our real world crumbles like chalk
To the stars and wonders we can reach...

Sie sind die kleinste Helden, die wir kennen
Sie öffnen uns die Tür zu neuen Welten
Greifen uns die Hände, bitten, dass wir mitgehen
Alles mit ihnen wieder zu erkennen...

Friday, February 25, 2005

Lass mich nie mehr an die Arbeit...

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...as the (long-defunct?) group Hepburn sang in I Quit...

'Ain't gonna go to work no more...'

I kinda quit sia. I went to Pasir Panjang Wharf today to oversee back shipment...well...the vehicles involved in THUNDER WARRIOR (and you're not supposed to know what that is so don't ask) came back today and basically 24 SA had to go down to the wharves to collect our vehicles...but wait! The story begins yesterday...

...yes! Yesterday night...me, johnny, melvyn and yu ru came back from SAFRA Yishun after a night of (not-so-good) bowling and LAN, where we totally owned some kids at counterstrike...whooped their asses man...hahaha but yea it was worse than stealing candy from a toddler...horrible, aren't we? Well...TOO BAD! hahaha! Yes anyway i shall stop digressing. So we went back...and so i got tempted into a few games of bridge with the dudes...and i tried to sleep when they were bidding over contract bridge at 1am with the bloody lights in my eyes and magic and jap music and anime on the laptop and lee heng fai and laughter at poor playing and complaints of dumb cards and my little personal hell. They all, somehow, managed to keep the Z-monster at bay...don't you wish you could do all these things in the middle of a 100% boring lesson? Well yes but it's all that you don't need when all you really need is the nice Z-monster to give you one gentle caress and send you into la-la-land. In the end, i went to fats' bed to sleep. but then went back to my own bunk after they closed shop for the night. At 2 a.m.

That wasn't particularly bad, you say? Well, i woke up at 0545 the next morning because of the shipment...got into my smart 4 and went down to the garage...where there were sleepy specialists and men...and we set off only one hour later at 0645 on the bumpy ride to Pasir Panjang...and we ended up spending the day there because the unloading simply took ages...all of us were sleeping in the cabin, in the tonner, everywhere...sigh...when we finally hauled our tired asses back to camp it was already time to book out...hahaha...what a day! Woo! Did almost zilch today...

Oh...but i DID upgrade my handphone plan...now i am the proud owner of a new Nokia 6230! So...Anyone willing to sponsor yours truly a 512 MB memory card and a connectivity cable so i can transfer musik to my hp?

Losing inspiration to write. But i finished Captain Corelli's Mandolin and i must say that it is one awesome read. Why? Apart from the beautiful and flowing prose, it gives a jaded mind a safe refuge to hide and recover...i caught myself laughing while reading, touched when Weber was forced to shoot his friend Corelli, and even the description of the simplest of lives was one which i appreciated and which enriched me deeply. It's not reading the words in the book. Read it, and let your mind's eye take you through a journey. See the characters as you will - definitely your vision will be different from mine's...i doubt you'll regret reading it at all...remember...don't think and don't let the book restrict you...fly!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Laith Al-Deen - The Invitation (Ich Will nur Wissen)

es interessiert mich nicht zu erfahren, wo du lebst und wieviel Geld du hast
ich will nur wissen, was dich von innen hält wenn sonst alles wegfällt
es interessiert mich nicht, was oder mit wem du wo gelernt hast
ich will nur wissen wonach du innerlich schreist, ob du zu träumen wagst
es interessiert mich nicht zu erfahren, wer du bist und wo du herkommst
ich will nur wissen, ob du enttäuschen kannst um dir selber treu zu sein
es interessiert mich nicht, wie alt du bist wie du dein Geld verdienst
ich will nur wissen, ob du bereit bist wie ein Narr auszusehn
um deiner Liebe willen, um deiner Träume willen...
es interessiert mich nicht, welcher Planet im Quadrat zu deinem Mond steht
ich will nur wissen, ob du den tiefsten Punkt deines eigenen Leids berührst
es interessiert mich nicht, ob die Farbe deiner Augen wirklich rein ist
ich will nur wissen, ob du Schönheit sehen kannst - auch wenn es nicht jeden Tag schön ist
es interessiert mich nicht, ob die Geschichte die du mir erzählst wahr ist
ich will nur wissen, ob du mit mir in der Mitte des Feuers stehst und nicht zurückschreckst
ich will nur wissen, ob du mit dem Schmerz meinem oder deinem einfach dasein kannst
ohne zu versuchen, zu verbergen, ihn zu beseitigen
ich will nur wissen, ob du mit der Freude meiner oder deiner dasein kannst
dich von Extase füllen läßt vom Kopf bis zu den Zehn
ich will nur wissen, ob du vertrauen kannst, wenn man dir vertraut
um deiner Liebe willen, um deiner Träume willen...
ich will nur wissen, ob du mit dem Scheitern meinem oder deinem leben kannst,
daß du den Vorwurf des Verrats erträgst und deine eigene Seele nicht verrätst
es interessiert mich nicht, ob die Geschichte die du mir erzählst wahr ist
ich will nur wissen ob du mit mir in der Mitte des Feuers stehst und nicht zurückschreckst
ich will nur wissen, ob du allein sein kannst
und in den leeren Momenten gern mit dir zusammen bist...

I'm not interested in knowing where you live and how much money you possess
I only want to know what holds you together within when everything around falls to pieces...
I'm not interested in what, whom or where you studied
I only want to know what you yearn for within - if you dare to dream
I'm don't want to experience who you are and where you come from
I only want to know if you're willing to disappoint to be true to yourself
I'm not interested in how old you are and how you earn your money
I only wish to know if you're ready to look like a fool for your love and dreams
I don't want to know if you've seen the stars rain
I only wish to know if you can touch the depths of your pain
I don't want to know if the colour of your eyes are pure and clear
I only wish to know if you can see beauty even if it's not there
I'm not interested in the truth of the stories you tell
I only wish to know if you will stand by me and not take fright
I only wish to know if you can deal with the pain - be it mine or yours
Without trying to hide it or place it by the sides
I only wish to know if you will share the happiness - be it mine or yours
And let ecstacy fill you from head to toe
I only wish to know if you can learn to trust when people trust you
For the sake of your love and dreams
I only wish to know if you can live with failure - be it mine or yours
That you can take the accusations and betrayals without betraying your own soul
I only wish to know if you can be alone yet be with yourself when you feel so empty...

Sigh. Questions i want to ask someone. But i daren't bring myself to ask her directly...Ich will nur wissen...

Eine unvergessliche Spaziergang | Bitte Respekt auf das Rennen! | Was Du eigentlich wissen sollst...

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...yesterday was the Artillery formation's 117th anniversary...accordingly, we had a 117-klick relay...which began at 1900 yesterday and ended about midnight. Actually, it's quite interesting to run the reverse SOC route at night...particularly when it's almost pitch black and you're on your own...I came down to run at around 2140...when it was already beginning to get cold and me a tad sleepy...yes...the Z-monster bites even when you're warming up for a competitive run...but oh hecks everyone runs, even 43 (!!), the men, the Specs, officers...you name it, you got it...even the CO ran...which should really say alot...although i can't say the same for his timing la but still...yeah it's a formation-level thing, everyone's involved...

I, myself managed a pretty amazing 8:45 to cover that torturous 2.2-klick stretch...which means my 2.4 can Gold timing already!! woo! I hope i can maintain it for IPPT, in light of everything i'm doing which will totally annihilate my already-reduced stamina...i think mental motivation is important too...because at first i was running alone and these 3 freaky regulars decided to come and pia me from behind...luckily in the end only one caught up...i lagged behind a tad to let him gain the lead and then followed him all the way back...he's the motivation...just want to catch him mah...it's a pity that most of the time i'm a one-gear runner...cannot pia at the very end already...but i managed an okay pace...i hope there's someone to chase at the end...it'll make things better for my 2.4 i hope...

As such, and because 24 SA was involved in the sai kang party to set up and slave away, CO allowed us to sleep until noon today and also gave us half a day off today with 1.5 more days' off for the runners...ahh...welfare of unit life...so last night we played bridge until 0300, woke up at 0930, played more bridge before getting out at 1200. All in all? I did nothing for 2 days. haha...this is THE life, ladies and gentlemen!

Speaking of which, i still owe some men 1 day's off...will talk to boss about it ASAP before it slips my mind...then Vagen and friends will call me a fucker every time they see me...eh dudes...ORD lo...-1 off can anot...tsk...When i go see boss he will probably roast me and Mel alive on a spit over the Standby procedures...nmind la...u guys earned it...burn nights off...but you guys are heng lei...CO wanted to turn out the entire battalion...

But that's besides the point. This afternoon...i had a walk to remember...one which is unforgettable indeed....thank you for walking with me. And thank you for talking. Thank you for lunch. I enjoyed your company...i'd have walked with you for so much more longer...haha...being with you actually made a one-hour-long walk seem like 15 minutes. Wow. Thank you again...=)

Kelvin...for your men...i think you should just do what is right. You don't have to do big, grand things which your men will be eternally thankful for. Just do what you've believed to be right all along - you may not be appreciated at all...so many times when my efforts came away unappreciated...you feel rotten but i guess somehow you still find the strength within you to carry on...live life by your rules, not what people dictate...i think your men are different from mine in that...yes your men see NS as a time to fuck 2 years away...i think mine too...they're just ORD crazy...maybe it's because my men are JC-educated...but i don't think you should ever give up. I know you've been good to them. Stay that way. These men will listen to you because even though they bo chup you they will know who's going to be good to them and who's not. Wait for them to get a few more jialat jialat and when they come personally to look for you maybe they'll listen to you now.

It's up to you if you want your men to acknowledge you as sergeant when you are 30 or if you want to bo chup along with the rest of them.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

The Wedding Singer, Corellis Mandoline und all die kleine Dingen, die am wichtigsten sind

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...Isn't Elektra hot? Way better than Jennifer Garner in the movie, i'm sure...Salvador Larroca makes absolutely amazing art...one of the best Marvel artists to date...check out X-Treme X-Men #1-24 for confirmation.

Melvyn's staying out. Hey, dickhead...if you read this...you better watch it...ahaha...actually...i quite gian to also lei...but nevermind...i doubt i will...got incentives waiting for me over there...like Corellis Mandoline...

Speaking of which, i just watched The Wedding Singer...coupled with reading Captain Corelli's Mandolin (okay that was the German name above) and i guess that...really it's the little things which count...i can't promise anything grand...i won't say that i'll give you a life of fortune...i just want to be a person who can appreciate all the little things in life...to be able to be irreverant at times yet pursue my callings, duties and responsibilities with passion and dedication. I want to be able to twirl a little girl around and give her a flower in my army uniform, in front of all my men and not worry about the pride and bearing of an officer - yes we too are human...to be able to treat others well out of true genuine kindness, to be able to love and believe in growing old with someone by your side, to do little things without expecting a payback - teaching because it's my passion, nagging out of true concern, doing things because you feel it's right and not because someone demands it out of you...to appreciate all the little things my friends do for me because ultimately it's not all the grandiose achievements which count but every single little thing they've done, every little concern they've spent on you and that much more.

I want to remember what it is like to dream, to remember that no matter what we do, it's never in vain because ultimately we're all little parts of a never-ending story. To appreciate every new morning. To learn what it is to be kind again. Maybe i'll pick up a musical instrument when i go to study...so i may express myself with music...it's not easy though...or maybe i shall just keep writing, and writing, and writing. I want to begin to cherish my friends even more, be more sensitive to their needs and problems and go that extra mile for them. You all know something? I've been really selfish sometimes, because sometimes i feel that you all cannot understand what i've gone through and what i'm currently going through...i lost that innocence in the friendship in the past. I want to feel.

What can i do? So many songs i'd listened to which i felt for and yet believed that it was totally impossible - Bilder von Dir. Jetzt, Hier, Immer. Ich kenne nichts (das so schön ist wie du.) L'amour Toujours. I'll Grow Old with You (yes even that!) Kleine Helden. I Could be the One. Alright. Supergirl. Reason. Walking in the Air (yes, even Nightwish) In Perfect Harmony. Never-ending Story. Dein Lied. Summer Dreaming (Bacardi Feeling). True. Lots more chinese songs too...songs which i listen to and immediately feel the warmth stirring...But will i ever be like that? Live a dream life? No! What i can do, however, is to live life without regrets and do all the little things which people neglect or take for granted and make other lifes better.

I'm afraid that those were grand words. I'm afraid that i'll never do it.

Ultimate Elektra featuring Daredevil...And Elektra is HOT. Way better than the movie. woo!

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Die Arbeit ist fertig geschrieben! | Abschied nehmen? | Neue Musik

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...finally, i finished my work already! All 6 parts of it...i won't publish it here again, parts 1 to 6 are already on the blog...so yes if you want the full thing please open your golden mouth and ask. Oh...there are goodies though...for Heart of Darkness and World of Make-Believe, i added a little more to the story...yes so ask if you want it!

I met the dudes, Shane and Ween to send LCP HO RONGZAN off today...yes...he's going to STARLIGHT soon...to a place where he'll get more money than me per month, more off, a free driving licence, and many more advantages. Have fun, make the most of your time and i hope you really enjoy STARLIGHT...it should be good...come back loaded so that we can bua you properly for 1 x good food! But until then...1 year and 2 days is a very long time indeed...even though the past year had passed by in a flash. Take care of yourself man...

She came down today too to see rongzan off...sigh...the awkwardness...i was at a loss of words...to think ween reminded me of 'ground rules?' What ground rules? Anyway i hope i didn't breach them. Sigh...

But to brighten things up a tad...I got a heap of new music from Sam! haha...i think my Reamonn CD2 is a bit faulty...my Discman keeps jumping track...either that or my Discman is going to fall apart...No matter...get it repaired la...it's barely 1 year old...come to think of it, only 10 months nia...please don't fall apart yet! Still got lots of work for you! Yes...work, work. Don't give up the fight, soldier!

ICH HASSE SCHEISSARBEIT!

Cannot tahan all the sai kang which is raining on me sia...raining on me and Melvyn, in fact...more so for Mel than me of course, because the S1 (Manpower Officer) is rapidly becoming his best friend and so has taken to heaping loads and loads of sai kang upon him...and it also so happens that this week was the week where the battalion was totally preoccupied with the opening of the new Officers' Mess...so naturally we all were slogging away in the Mess for quite a few days even until the late hours...yes, officers (including the CO...goodness) doing tasks like mopping and sweeping, scrubbing glass windows, washing beer mugs, and so on and so forth. Kinda reminiscent of cadet days huh...hahaha...okay lah let's not be bitter about anything here...

...because there's something to be bitter about here. The mess opening was today, as i mentioned above...and it's kinda appalling how senior officers are totally oblivious to the existence of us junior officers! Yes, we want to go out. Yes, this is our Officers' Mess. Yes, we're responsible for it. Yes, we did organise this whole opening. And finally, yes, you all do need your enjoyment. It's not easy being a senior commander. In fact, it's not easy being in command of anything at all. When others simply left early...those fuckers...aiyah, but they just slipped away like that and we didn't even know they disappeared until way later...then the senior commanders were just playing pool, watching TV, singing on the karaoke...S1 said no one leaves until they leave...so we were like...well...that is all and good but you people have to leave first and so please, sir, please do evacuate the mess now...Luckily he relented at the end. I feel better about staying to help than just disappearing. Those pricks...don't even know what's important and where their responsibilities lie...

And to you...haha...if you want to know what my friend allegedly sent you...i'll tell you in private ya.

And why did Bilder von Dir have to come on now? Sigh...i stare dreamily into the night sky, the music enveloping me...and wonder if you are seeing the same stars as i do...or if you are already wandering the Dreamtime? Lass es. Dingen haben ihren eigenen Fluss...

Bilder von Dir überdauern bis in alle Zeit...
Bilder von Dir überdauern bis in die Ewigkeit...

Pictures of you will last for all time. Pictures of you will last for an eternity. Well, at least upstairs in my brain la...

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Aufatmen | Weniger nach Hause zu kommen | VI: World of Make-Believe

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...endlich darf ich mich mal aufatmen...finally got the 11B issue settled and exchanged it for a 15A (temporary I/C) and i guess i got quite lucky because i got let off the hook...i thought going into the Orderly Room would be something like fighting a tigress (because that really is the image she projects) but that's besides the point. I don't know when the 11B will come...but i really wish that it's soon...because without my 11B...i'm practically useless outside...cannot apply for driving...cannot apply for a new phone line...the 2 current pertinent issues, outside of her, currently...

Anyway...my overseas schedule is kinda decided...i'll be going to CRESCENDO in May/June with Melvyn and then to BATTLE KING again...with the next batch of cadets...well...it's fun time i guess...Although the sai kang is literally raining down from above...but never mind lah...it's our lot to do sai kang...hahaha...

Ansonsten ist alles ziemlich gut...i can read during office hours...first the newspapers, then Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernières...don't be deterred by its length...it's really a very good read...the chapters are magical and if only you'll let your mind wander - something which many painfully lack...let the story take you upon its wings and fly you...to a place in Europe which remained magical in spite of the horrors of an erupting Second World War all around it...a story of simple country life, nationalistic pride, a love story, L'omosessuale, little stories, seemingly unconnected, but yet all linked, and all magically told...read and let your mind's eye fly. You'll enjoy it immensely. I won't put spoilers here...

My folks want me to not come home so often...because me poppa is getting quite tired from all this late-night fetching here and there and i think they're right...time i stopped being such a parasite...maybe i'll go back myself in the future? I'm also bringing my Ace in tonight...so i can go bowling with johnny...which isn't that bad...finally...bowling buddies are back...haha...

I just watched the MTV for Eric Prydz' Call on Me...i think it's a semi-porn flick where these people wearing leotards in a dance studio dance to the tune in various orgasmic poses. But that's my take...you're entitled to your own opinion...

Finally...part VI is here...World of Make-Believe...Their glimpses seemed so true...but....

World of Make-Believe...

If black was light and white night
If only they were aware of their plight
Blinded, groping, robbed of all sight
Alone, stripped of all will to fight
In their world of make-believe

Pity clouds Umbriel's eyes
Above her rage the leaden skies
Feeling the wounds open deep within
Feeling the pain of all her sins...

Ariel, White Queen, filled with lust
Purity never meant to last
Where she'd wept, now she smiles
A world stands for her to defile...

She remembers a darker time...
A time, when her heart was night
In her fist lay ultimate might
'Then the light cascaded into me
Opened my heart and let me see...'

In her mind's eye stands the past
In that enchanted glade so vast
Darkness came and stole her away
A darkness now here to stay

They live in a world of make-believe
Where every action was but a dream
A world of make-believe
They stir in their slumber, yet fail to see...

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Je schneller es vorbeigeht, umso besser...

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...heute hab ich mich bei der Polizei gemeldet...natürlich für meinen verlorenen Personalausweis...So ein Scheiss, oder? But i guess i'd be way better off reporting it today than sitting on my ass and procrastinating for yet another day. So it's $50. So i will have to face that evil Chief Clerk tomorrow. So tomorrow i shall face the music. Oh well. At least that's one thing settled. Will have to tell the OA dude that i can't get my account done until i get my 11B. At least i got some affirmative action going...beats waiting and pondering over my fate anyday! At least now i know my fate already.

And also...welcome home, Sam! Haha...go and catch yourself on the telly!

Well...things are getting slowly better...There's still plenty of hurt to heal, but...at least things have started to move again...alles wird besser? Wer hat denn eine Ahnung?

Monday, February 14, 2005

Dieses Neujahr hat mir nur Scheiss gegeben... | Valentinstag

Sigh...This new year has brought me nothing but shit. Seriously. Even if it's only 2 seperate incidents, somehow i've been really very badly affected by it all...i seriously wish it was a nightmare from which one can wake up...Too bad that there's no such thing...yes life is a never-ending story until the very day when you don't even know what a story is...i thought it was bad enough from last Friday...and spent a very down weekend indeed....wondering what could've, would've, should've been....and then spending days in pensive wallowing in my own insecurities and hurt...making friends concerned whilst convincing her that i was alright...and then i discovered that i actually lost my 11B...initially i thought it was in camp because it wasn't in my wallet when i attempted to apply for a new phone line...then last night, i went back to camp early to rummage around and guess what?

I didn't find it still. Returned home from camp today and searched again, but to no avail...the finality of having to pay the fine and face the music is finally beginning to sink in. Yeah, well. It happens.

What struck me as miraculous was the simple fact that despite leaving it in the bunk in what i consider to be quite an obvious spot, upon returning it totally disappeared. Add that to the fact that the room is locked by a MasterLock to which only the FATA guys know the combination, and something smells really fishy. I don't know what's going on, but i don't like it...and the fact that the OA account is literally breathing down my neck doesn't really help too.

She said it was lucky that it was something which money could buy back...Well, it's not about the fifty dollars. That is quite easily settled - rather, what's at stake here is an officer's pride...am i sounding too proud and high-and-mighty here? I dearly hope not - but what would you think if a newly-commissioned 2nd Lieutenant came to your office, claiming he lost his 11B?

'Brash, young punk. Couldn't know better, couldn't give 2 more fucks. Bloody irresponsible jackass.'

Excuse the language, but wouldn't you think like that? And yes. I just got into battery line today. It won't be pretty to report that i lost my identification document, even if it was stolen.

Sigh. I am such a bloody fucking mess! This new year...it's been nothing but botched. I haven't been exactly very much in the new year mood this year - showing everyone a sian face. Couldn't get the least bit excited, got very very sleepy, moody and brooding instead. It's no way to celebrate a New Year...but i guess things were different this year. Every year is different...

What i must be thankful for, however, is knowing how true my friends and family are. They cared. Provided support. Tried to perk me up. Talked sense into me and told me that i had lots to be grateful for - something i don't doubt. Who understood what i was going through. And i guess that kelvin and ultimately xiaojun were correct: There's so much more to be thankful for than to hurt over. And my family...they cared and got really worked up over the 11B...sigh. How lucky am I? It doesn't mean that i don't think i'm a wreck now - i still am. Things will need to get sorted out...slowly wounds heal...slowly...

Only if I could turn back time...turn back the clock to one week before...when everything still had a semblance of normalcy and i was actually looking forward to one week at home. I guess i know better now.

Today is Valentine's Day...a day for couples, lovers...and friends? Oh well, that's what she said when i wished her happy valentine's...happy friendship day? I don't know lah. While everyone is out celebrating their love here i am drowning in all the shit which is filling my life...It's a lonely Valentine's Day. Lonely and sad. All the frustration is welling up deep within...But i guess despite all this i can be thankful for some little things...And for all the people who give in little worlds what the big busy world outside misses.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

V: Heart of Darkness

Remember our Queen of Light? She takes a step into the dark and faces temptation in the eye...what will happen?

Heart of Darkness...

A crystal gazebo, standing proud
Proud against a star-studded night
Within its bowels, Ariel ponders
The cruelty of fate, as her heart flounders...

Black - suddenly she is blind
Darkness - light is fading
Dark - it enters her mind
Blackness - his Queen in the making...

Now she dons her coat of colour
Loved by some, yet feared by others...

Confused, she walks amongst the ruins
Blood, pain and death all around her
One a scene where she'd have wept
Now she feels empty, strangely detached...

Never has her pure heart met such darkness
Temptation but a simple caress
'Open your heart to me, my Queen
I welcome you to my realm of sin...'

The light dims, it fades and flickers
As Ariel's walls begin to crumble...

Yes, i wrote it last night while still wrapped in emotional turmoil...*sigh* I woke up to a beautiful morning...but still feeling a little empty within...

Friday, February 11, 2005

Heartstrings...einen Brief an Dir...

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...today something happened...i guess all the clouds of doubt have finally lifted to shed light upon my insecurities and 'What If''s...and...it was a reply i foresaw but really hoped i wouldn't see...

I guess, by now, that you know what the answer is.

And i hope that you, too are reading this...or maybe not...i don't want you to feel any worse than you feel about me...you don't owe me an apology. You just made a choice...and yes no matter how hard it is to stomach...i will stand by it, because...you've thought about it...and no matter what i think about it...things won't change...as you said...your heart is set in stone...just as every river must run its course...i'll let things go their natural way and...someday everything'll just fall into place...that is what i believe...Idealistic? Maybe...but there are things which are out of everyone's hands...

I think the guys got quite worried about how i reacted. You should have been there...or told me face-to-face...Kelvin said that my eyes turned red. Not red as in glowing evil red, but yes it was true...i didn't know whether to break down or to just heave a sigh of relief that it was all over. And i really, really shut up the entire night - even in front of his friends...even during mahjong...i won some really nice hands and didn't even boast, shout loudly, etc etc...yah...you could see the word 'concern' written on their faces but they did nothing...what great people they are, wouldn't you say?

And your words tugged at the very strings of my heart...i wanted to scream and shout, to vent all my frustrations upon you...but i didn't. One thing you taught me...to appreciate everyone and to accept difficult decisions like these...because deep down, when it comes to making these decisions...everyone must face his or her inner stars too...you said you weren't ready. And i will wait. Call me stubborn, call me foolish if you will...perhaps one day we shall see the change in one of us...when either your walls have crumbled stone by stone or they have stood proud and i have fallen instead...

Please don't shrug things off by saying that i should find someone else - that i should give kah yee a second chance...it doesn't work that way...really...you and i both know that...you can't just grow feelings overnight for someone and expect them to reciprocate...between kah yee and i...we're the best of friends because no matter what happens we've held on together...i can't do without her, but i can't do without a lot of people...i can't just like this girl all of a sudden, just because you say so...i may be selfish, but we've been best friends so long that...it's pretty unlikely that we should get together because...the dynamics of a new relationship would, although exciting and somewhat fulfilling, would require us to get to know a whole new set of rules...both of us have our own lives to lead, our own friends, our own interests...if i could...i'd plan her marriage...if only i could...

One little request...let's not be strangers, even if you've closed your inner sanctuary to me...thank you for showing yourself to me...i hope to show you more of what i'm really like too...that's what a friendship is built on, isn't it?

I don't know what more should i say...words have begun to fail me...what's running around in my head is a strange mix of Secret Garden songs, lyrics of some songs, my own jumbled thoughts, a week-old picture of us, and a soft, bittersweet melody.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Die Leper Kolonie

The NJC Leper Colony 2002-2003. There. Go and visit it. Germany. NJC. The Schraudy Wars. Dreams. Andreas Isaksson. Taryn. Jasmine. Heidi. Maybe. Yours Truly.

So what're you waiting for?! GO NOW!!! Maggots.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Lass mich mit dir fliegen... | Bilder von Dir... | 1. Tag! | IV: White Light Fantasy

Hallo ihr alle da draussend...So, how was the first day of Chinese New Year for all of you out there? Well, my grandmother passed away last year...so we can't go visiting...but actually it's quite okay...things were a bit strange in that our reunion dinner was at my uncle's house at 6th Avenue instead of Chinatown, where i'd been meeting up with all my cousins, uncles, aunties and grandmother for dinner all my life...and at the same time really soak up the Chinese New Year cheer...because well...when the whole New Year crowd is all bustling about 20 floors below you, you somehow get affected too! Walking through the crowded streets on Chinese New Year's eve...even if its just aimless wandering, but i figure you need to join the crush to get a feel of what New Year shopping is like...after all, it's only once a year!

Sigh. I miss chinatown. Today basically we just went to my maternal grandmother's side for lunch with everyone...did some catching up with my uncles and cousins (especially those taking 'A' Levels this year...) and then we hopped down to my uncle's place...terrorised my other cousin who's entering my universe of green next year...figure that next year i'll be mood already...what mood? ORD LOH!!!...Okay still a bit early...And i played mahjong with my parents! Haha...i'm not a swindler...but i won quite a bit...lucky never play money...if not my family would be quite unhappy with me already...maybe next year ang pow money cut...then i 1 x jialat jialat...

Sigh...Bilder von Dir by Laith Al-Deen is stuck in my head...it's a song which is just so heart-warming and sweet...if only you could understand German...it's about pictures of someone's significant other...and how they will last forever and ever...sogar bis in die Ewigkeit...for all eternity...One day i'll translate it word by word, sentence by sentence, just for you...and that's a promise.

The sentence...'I'll fly with you...' Dare you say it to the one you love? It really implies a lot, so much that i myself don't know if i can deem myself fit to say it...The very fact that you said it...what are the implications? You will never fall; i will be there for you. I want to soar the skies with you. I want to set you free, and then follow you to where your heart goes...That much and so much more...Wow. What a sentence. Now i know why no one dares to say it...not even in movies...not even in fairytales.

But if you like some dance/trance/techno, do give Gigi D'Agostino's L'amour Toujours a listen...that's where i heard that line and it inspired me to think...

Anyway...Here's also part IV of my story...White Light Fantasy...Our Black Queen, Umbriel sees something which will shatter the security of her world, a world built by blood, violence and lust...

White Light Fantasy...

The Black Queen sits upon her throne
Mouthing words never said aloud
A fleeting moment, one of absolute weakness -
In her black heart, white light dances...

A mirror, symbol of her vanity
Now shows her as the embodiment of purity
She is white - a being of light
It dawns upon her as her black heart takes fright...

Slowly her world begins to fade
Fading...into an enchanted glade...

Now marvels unfold before her eyes
Birdsong filters down from the skies
A unicorn drinks from a magical stream
The hopes and prayers of a million dreams...

Touched to the depths of her very soul
Umbriel fights back tears - to no avail
'Such purity and peace - Such a thing to behold
A treasure worth more than slaves or gold...'

She awakes upon the cold stone of her throne
From her lips escapes a moan
Her armour, now torn asunder
Within the Black Queen, something stirs...

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Plötzlich kann ich mich nicht mehr ausdrücken...

Suddenly, i am at a loss of words. As the Year of the Rooster draws closer, i find myself unable to say what lies deep within. Struck dumb...I want to scream and shout, yet you have silenced my voice...

So many questions to ask, so many answers to seek...but when will i find them? Who shall give them to me? Confused, lost, groping in the dark...at the very moment when people should be celebrating. But...c'est l'amour...that's liking someone...the very fact that you care so much already tells more than what your words or actions could ever say...

But there IS one thing i want to say...HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL! Stuff yourselves and get lots of money to count! Be laughing all the way to the bank, y'all...

Intermezzo

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...the topic Intermezzo refers to what happened during the witching hours of the night yesterday...as to the word choice, you'll see naturally later...I originally intended to sleep before 0100 because i wanted to be up by 0645 this morning for a run...yes contrary to popular belief i do exercise out of camp...but she messaged me to tell me that she couldn't get online. Actually, i waited for her until about midnight then went off anyway because my parents had to work today...then i decided to call her...and talk we did...i only hung up at 0200 and slept at 0230 (was thinking...)

What did we talk about? Quite a lot...we talked about our differences, talked about what was holding us back, talked about whether we would give each other even a single chance, and much much more...I really learnt a lot from that dialogue...i learnt a lot about you...your hopes, your fears, and your self-perceived failings. I think hopefully you learnt something about me too? Learnt about my beliefs and what i hold dear...And you even opened your chest of secrets which you locked away deep within you and told me what you would have never told others...i'm thankful. I'm thankful that you let me open up and that you yourself opened up to me...and as for all your fears...these are fears that i too harbour...will we be compatible? Will this work out? But...i'd like to give it a shot...wouldn't you? But as i said, it's really up to you. I should really stop asking why if you decide to say 'no' because i trust that you've thought it out...

But today, things changed markedly. We told each other things we wouldn't have normally said via SMS...You made a big decision and let me into your world...while i began to reciprocate and show you little facets of what i'm like outside the universe of green...Things i told you which i wouldn't have normally told others...And so CNY is here...time for ourselves and our own families...I guess it's also a good time for us to sit down and think.

Mixed signals? Or is this her hint to me, the magic key? Whatever happens, i want you to know that...without you, today i'd be nowhere...

Monday, February 07, 2005

Neujahrsfeier | Nachdenkend... | 214!

Hallo ihr alle da draussend...i think i booked in last night pretty much for nothing...because this morning we woke up at 0700 for commander's parade, then went for breakfast at 0800, then we played bridge until 1130 (book-out time) and then we had to go out and catch a bus down to Serangoon Gardens for the battalion Chinese New Year lunch...which wasn't terribly much, i'm afraid to say...played some games, got our 33rd BTACC graduation certificate, some mandarin oranges, and some food in our stomachs before we were released...Basically, we booked in last night to enjoy a night in the bunk i suppose...and to do close to nothing too...

Don't you just love idling? And i found out too, much to my chagrin, that when i need my 11B password to activate my OA account, i can't find it. Damnation...guess i'll just have to go to HQSA and face the music.

Oh...i got another 200 game while bowling today...214, to be precise...nothing very shiok la, just that i think the Ace is beginning to rev up quite nicely and i even got in a few snap balls...but its still in the overwhelming (overwhelmed?) minority that it reacts like that...

Sigh...am i thinking too much? Am i worthy of her love and affection? Am i worthy of her selfless giving and caring? Is this even what i think it to be - am i just deluding myself? I think sometimes i try to cover up what i lack materially...which i myself find disgustingly shallow...but i really want to cherish her and hold her whenever she's down, lend her an ear for her to pour out her woes to, give her a sanctuary where she can open her heart and know that no one will stab her during that moment of absolute total weakness...i'm afraid...i don't know if she should even wait for someone like me if we get together.

What do i do?

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Auf die Suche nach Fotos | III: A Sister's Pain

Hallo ihr alle da draussen...today i met reuben and kelvin (haha. once a weekend without fail) and we all went down to Suntec to pick my photographs from comms ball and the comms parade when i was in No.1...and i must say.....

I don't look really very good. Haha... Not handsome, no looks...or maybe i was just not looking best that day even if i felt very smart in front of the mirror...That's it...i'm not photogenic. Live with it.

Anyway we picked some photographs which i'd like to print out and i got charged pretty bloody exorbitant prices. But i guess ultimately it's all worth it because...yeah well it's something which happens only once in a lifetime...it's worth the money...jun, if you're reading this, we got some photos for you too okay...be meeting you soon to pass it to you...

Sigh. I wonder why i didn't look good. And I wonder why my camera was so cruddy that night. Maybe it's Murphy's Law - what can go wrong will go wrong...but ah hecks. As long as the memories of that beautiful night remain alive within us, and as long as we cherish those very memories...who needs photographs? Photographs give us a picture, reminding us what exactly happened - why not let our imaginations wander? But that's not to say that i don't want photos...they're important too..because one day when my imagination is drained and i just feel so jaded, reminders of a happier time like these photographs taken on that magical night will be just there to remind me that...hey...remember that night? All the glittering lights, the ballroom, the espirit de corps, my queen, the brotherhood and so so much more? Slowly...things will get better. If you're at the bottom...things'll only look up...

Also...the 3rd episode of my work is also presented to you here, ladies and gentlemen...III: A Sister's Pain...

A Sister's Pain...

Ariel: 'We used to swim in those same moonlit waters
Walking on air, while the world slept beneath us...'

Ariel weeps in her sad despair
Her inner sanctuary now laid bare
The nights are quiet; she stands alone,
Alone in her enchanted dome...

She sheds a tear for the dead
The Black Queen, Umbriel, filled with dread
Yet she must go on, she must not sway
Without remorse nor a single care...

Why was there black and white?
Who created day and night?
Back in time, so long ago
In innocence they played, the bond they shared...

Umbriel: 'Yet fate has not been kind to us
In the magic ether the die was cast
I am black, while you are light;
To forge a balance we must be...'

They cry out deep in their hearts
Silenced words never spoken aloud:

'Loom spinning the fabric of time
Hear this tiny plea of mine
Set her free; let her go
To see her fly is my only goal...'

Geburtstag!

Hello Kah Yee...it was your birthday celebration about...2 to 5 hours ago? Anyway...I really had fun, even if i was a bit slow in warming up to your friends...it was also a surprise to see yan lian again...haha...even if i almost didn't recognise her until i heard her name...goodness...then... the 5-hour-comedy when jess forced you to eat dou jiang you tiao...and hearing you say what was heartfelt and honest to each and everyone there...and i would have replied:

'Girl...thank you for being my best friend, confidante, listening ear, fellow foodie, and so much much more in the past 3 years that we've met. Thank you for inviting me to come...and thank you for teaching me so much and for just being there.'

Or something to that extent! Happy 20th birthday! And...welcome to limbo...not a teenager, yet magic 21!

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Commissioning Ball @ The Fullerton | Wahre Gefühle

Hallo ihr alle da draussend...correct, from the pictures you saw...commissioning ball was yesterday at The Fullerton Hotel...yes...it's a place which every girl wants to have a ball at...and yes, we did have a grand ball there...too bad that my camera cocked up on me and gave blurry blurry images...so eine Schade...but it's okay i guess...i can get the photos back from the dudes...just get them to send us what they have can already lor...So i must get their e-mail addies soon haha...

Yes but other than that, commissioning ball was like prom, only...way more hip and cool...prom was quite an awkward thing because...guys stuck together and everyone basically still sat in their cliques. Commissioning ball was slightly different...i mean, we still sat with friends (the FATA table...but they put us at the bottom right corner...swine...) but now we felt no qualms about wandering around and we could just mingle with any crowd...which i found good...really good...the whole family feeling was there...it was like all the shit we went through finally crystallised there last night...a warm handshake. Words of encouragement. We've only been apart for 1 week and life seems normal but when you meet them again...that's exactly when it strikes you how much these friends mean to you. We watched the course video and laughed and smiled as the waves of nostalgia just washed over us...all the days in long 4...BATTLE KING...EAGLE...SOCJOT...how could i forget? How could anyone forget? I guess they will recede into the depths of our memories, yet one meeting will bring them all bubbling forth again like a mountain stream...quite a strange analogy, but i think it fits...it was as if all our secrets and memories were locked in ice and one day when we meet...the warmth of it all shall melt this ice and cause them to flow forth like the purest and sweetest of water.

I must admit too that everyone looked way better too than prom...what a bloody mistake then...i wonder what i was doing. Sigh. Flock mentality. Never mind...That was the past...and we can't go back now, can we?

And what a grand night it was! We were talking and talking and talking...yeah well...i guess our dates got a bit bored because like army boys we just talked a lot amongst ourselves, laughing at private jokes...but i guess this time we made it a point not to abandon our dates, something which most of us committed during social night...which i guess was pretty successful...haha...we could talk and forego eating...like how we ignored the antipasta just to watch our movie and to talk and talk...haha...*sigh* beautiful memories. to cherish and keep deep within, knowing they'll always be with us...

To everyone connected to the 43rd FAOCC, mercì beaucoup...ohne euch geht es nicht...

And my date? Xiaojun was a queen. Jie dressed her up well...and despite all who believe that she is loud and chor lor...she really really acted in a way befitting royalty...I'm so happy that you came last night and saw little parts of my life...all the good times of course...i'm sure you already know enough about the bad ones =P And i guess we both gave each other something very significant to each other...you said that no one had ever given you something that expensive...trust me...for all the help and care you've shown and given me...this is hardly enough to express what i feel...and last night you finally opened your heart and told me what you felt...hey...there's no pressure for any of us to do anything...think first before we act okay? I'm scared. I always thought i wanted to find someone to be with, but with you...i don't know. I'm going away in 2006 to Germany and...we'll be so far away...but what's true is that...i feel for you too.

As Laith Al-Deen sang in Das weiss ich:

'Dass sich die Erde um sich selbst dreht - ja das weiss ich
Doch ob sie schwindlig wird dabei - das weiss ich nicht
Dass wir geschaffen sind füreinander - ja das weiss ich
Ob wir das irgendwann kapieren - das weiss ich nicht...'

Translation: 'I know that the world rotates around itself, but not if she gets dizzy at it...I know that we were made for one another, but if we ever understand that...'

Sigh...I'm confused...do i follow my heart and go all out, or do i follow my reason to avoid the (very) trying times in the future?

Me and my date...those who said jun can be chor lor...better WAKE UP =P

Comms ball...here! The Fullerton!

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Unfit zu sein | Keine Aufregung vor dem Feier | II: The Queen of Light...

Hallo ihr alle da draussend...ich bin zur Zeit ziemlich unfit...nee...extrem unfit passt wohl besser...wollt ihr wissen, warum?

Artillery is having this formation-level 117-klick relay and...as usual, 24 SA is gunning for victory (yeah like who wouldn't? Unit pride at stake sia...) and so we've been running like...crazy...in the past week...We had this time trial for something like 2.16 klicks (so who does the distance measurement?) and i thought i did pretty well - 8:21 as last taking this morning. Then they made us run 3 x 800m under 3:30...i don't know why, but my bloody legs were killing me. Haha...they said cadet days would be our fittest days...and i think they're all bloody right...sigh i just feel so unfit! I was DYING and about to concuss...goodness, how much they make us run! But i guess it's all for the best...yes i do intend to keep fit...i already heard that Friday is a battalion games day (which means we get to knock off at 1500 but can't go home bleah) so now my schedule looks like this:

Monday/Friday: Gym
Tuesday/Thursday: Life Run
Wednesday: Tanning in the pool (just lazing and turning brown...hahaha...giving people a bad impression about occifers. BOLLOCKS! I want to become bronzed and sunny too...=P)

Yes they say that hard training is the only way and yes, i am an adherant of this statement...i do believe in training hard so that you reap what you sow and then it looks all the more better...so be it that i'm not very proficient at games (yeah i know i got my ass kicked by johnny today at pool) but at least i've trained hard and have something to be proud of too...self-ego-boost? Maybe...haha...

I've discovered something quite strange. Most of us are, contrary to popular belief, not very hyped about commissioning ball, even though it's tomorrow...goodness...how time flies huh? Tomorrow i'm gonna be at the Fullerton (swank factor!) with xiaojun...finally i get to spend une nuit with someone who was close to me yet so far away physically...well...show her a little bit of my life (as if i haven't already been by constantly bitching and being an ass, even though overall i do enjoy NS life...) yeah i mean, show her what i've really been up to in the 23 weeks of pro term...all the fun, laughter, tears and smiles...i hope she'll understand what i've been through and that she'll have a good night...i really do...and at the same time, i'm really thankful for all you've done and for all you've forgiven me...

I still can't figure out why most of us aren't really worked-up about comms ball! Even if it's going to be a really special night with a special someone, i feel strangely...normal. Like...it's something which will come to pass? I wonder when i started feeling so...jaded? Not exactly the word...but it's like...i don't feel sian la. Just feel normal. Hmm. Maybe i'll get hyper tomorrow. Anyway...it's something reserved for tomorrow...and i still have a written test to sit for before i actually go out. Bleah...mean asses aren't they? No lah...after this...NO MORE TRAINEES!

Hahahahaha....Endlich Freiheit...

Also included today is part II...Part I was Umbriel Frost. Part II today is something quite the polar opposite of our Black Queen...Rather, our Queen of Light. What is the significance of the name Ariel? In The Tempest and The Rape of the Lock by Shakespeare and Alexander Pope, Ariel represented light and goodness. Far from an epic work...but i'll add on more parts as time passes. When the story is told and done with i'll bring all the parts together and re-publish it in one x monster post! Which means it should be quite long. Bear with me.

Strangely, Army days are my most productive days. I don't know why...but i never seemed able to churn out things like this in the past.

The Queen of Light...

Deep in the forest, an enchanted glade
A beautiful woman with eyes of jade
A hint of sadness taints her face
Youthful, yes, yet unspared by age

'Ariel Frost is my name - Umbriel my kin.
Pain is her game - my sister's one sin...'

'What she did, I must reverse
To heal the scars and change the stars
She is death, my gift is life
To her night I will bring light...'

One woman made a kingdom fall
A once-revered man at her beck and call
The fallen shall not rise again
Fields of dreams gone down the drain

Ariel sees now all their fears
Hallowed words and her sad tears
'Although Umbriel may be my kin
I have to act; lest she be my sin!'

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Na also worauf starrst du denn? | Bildungsproblem | I: Umbriel

Hallo ihr alle da draussend...i just made a discovery...i don't know why but why do people have a thing against junior officers who wear their uniform home? The 23 SA guys like called my name loudly and demanded to know what i was doing booking out in my uniform. Then i got so many weird looks on the bus home. Sigh...what on earth is there to look at?! It's only one chocolate bar...please don't stare goggle-eyed as if i'm some general or what...it's...disquieting to say the least...

And for all of you who think i deserved those weird looks, well here's the situation. I can stay out tonight, but tomorrow i have to go back by 0700 because i have to draw arms by 0715 so that i can go for a deployment exercise (yes, again) sigh...so yes i doubt i'll book in early enough to change up and all that so i simply decided to book out in number 4! Is there anything fundamentally wrong...i doubt so...and no i don't think civilian life is everything...it's important but so is the army. It's my life for these 2 years so i think i'll make the best out of it...The mentality of 'Serve and F*ck off' should stop - unfortunately even there are officers with that kind of mentality sadly...

I read with a sense of growing disgust within me that the Chinese syllabus in Singapore is going to get cut by another glorious 40%. It really makes me wonder what the Ministry of Education is trying to do here...what now, rob us further of our heritage? Goodness. And they said they'd eliminate 'topics which bear least relevance to Singaporean youth' - well, pardon me for being such a prude, but i thought pieces about the greater Chinese poets of our past really hinted more at our heritage, something which we should be taking pride in and they actually got axed. They are again fearing that the emphasis is on learning words which may have little practical value and are difficult to learn and so the poor kids will face learning difficulties and will cause them to detest chinese. Kids like this are dickheads, and unfortunately they are everywhere. Schools aren't doing much by emphasizing that english is the way to go - don't they see the rise of the dragon in the foreseeable future? It is then which multilingualism - something which Singaporeans have always prided themselves on - will actually become a valuable commodity in the global market. And yes by then we will probably have dug our own graves by destroying that multilingualism.

Learning how to write your own language is part of your own identity as ethnic Chinese, or whatever race you belong to. Will the Ministry please wake up and tell those dickheads that shunning your heritage for the decadent West (yes, even yours truly used that term. Irony...) is not the way to go and that well...speaking your mother tongue is cool! I'm proud of what i am...the worst part is that it really showed how shallow today's parents really are. When interviewed, some even complained that 'we should have been informed earlier so my poor stressed-out suicidal children wouldn't have to study for them.' Well surprise surprise, but stress is what you place on your children to perform well. Work is important but you have to balance it up...yes, despite Chinese immigrants worldwide consistently aceing their classes each year, kids still need a childhood...Okay let's not digress - is this what education is all about? Examen und nichts anders? Have we really been conditioned into this pathetic state? And all this bullshit about cutting the syllabus. We don't just have to know how to read, write and talk. Language, as i finally discovered during my LEP days, is more than just that. Anyone can learn to read, write and talk. But learning any language is more than that. It's about getting to know a culture better - looking into the past and learning more about a people. I did that with German over a short 2 years and it's done me wonders. Although i don't profess to be an expert on China, i do see it as important to know your heritage, to know your culture and background.

So what does MOE stand for? Ministry of Eggheads.

A twinge of guilt passes through me when i reflect on all the times that i thought China a backwater and would rather be...ab in Europa, you understand? I guess i'm also a victim of the system. I'm lucky that i'm only not afflicted to such an extent.

After that intermezzo (hell it should have been the main topic), here comes the second main piece: Umbriel. Who is Umbriel? She represented everything evil in Alexander Pope's satire 'The Rape of the Lock' and this is also something i wrote today. Letting your mind wander does have its advantages. You keep alert (important!) and also can be creative!

Umbriel...

Voices raised in a cry of rage
Forgotten are the words of the sage
But now it's late, way too late
Peace is dead - the Amen is said...

Now she wears a coat of colour
Revels in chaos all around her
Beauty incarnate, Umbriel Frost her name
Dare you come to try her game?

The lust she breeds in the eyes of brothers
Lovers into heartless killers
Pandora's box, dark chest of wonders
More than just a fallen angel

'Why?' They cried in sorrow and pain
Blood has coloured the earth red
Umbriel Frost was just a name
Was no fantasy but their bane...

The world has fallen, brought to its knees
Another kingdom lost and buried in sand
What she's accomplished sets her free
Terrible deeds, terrible but grand.

Breathe. Smile. Cry. Run. Fly. Laugh. Love. Loss. Anger. Wonder. LIVE.

Name: quatscherei

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