Hallo ihr alle da draussen...it has finally struck me. The question has been running rounds in my brain space...and...it's been bugging me for this whole weekend...it's a question if i should grit my teeth and make the decision, however difficult it may be...xiaojun, i hope you are reading this...
The question is whether i should give her up. Sorry, reuben and kelvin, despite all my talk about peh peh to you guys, she was the only one for me...it's true. i still couldn't let her go, despite all i told you all...yes, it's true. To your disbelieving eyes, let me say this again.
I couldn't let you go. I never really did.
But, it's true that we haven't been talking. The phone calls, once almost-nightly, stopped. When did this awkwardness come between us? I guess it only really began when i got news that you were attached. It became, well...strange for me to talk to you...or at least i felt strange...like...the words would elude me whenever i had to talk to you...or maybe how the hurt would bubble forth from deep below...or that i would end up throwing a lot of accusations at you...
True, we still talk on MSN. But every single time we talk, it's just the standard 'hi-bye' communications...if i ask you if you have any problems, you tell me not to worry for you. Last night, it felt like a slap to the face. Don't ask me why it felt that way. I probably couldn't explain it to you, either.
Is it fundamentally wrong to like someone? Why did you always give me the message that it was to like you?
It feels like i don't know you anymore...it feels like we've become nothing more than just mere acquaintances...not the princess who accompanied me to comms ball...not the daughter i once had...not anything anymore. True, the class has fallen apart. I'm not denying it. Talk of a class gathering which ain't gonna materialise has shown how everyone just believes that talk can do it. I myself gave up on 1st January.
Bah. Here's a reality check, class...talk is cheap. You bunch of NATO people. I know that all of you are busy. But if it means something to you, please make it a point to be free on the day itself...i know you are working. i know you need income. Or whatever else you may need. Horz is back and i'm glad that at least i managed to put aside my weekend so i could catch up with him. Did any of you do so, for that matter? Or maybe you guys didn't even know! My fault, i guess...i didn't follow up on his SMS to everyone...but i'm tired of pushing people.
Maybe it's true. I don't know you anymore. Maybe i should really, really let you go. Maybe i've been a fool, living in a dream castle all along and not knowing it.
On the other hand, i have to congratulate reuben...for finally becoming tied down to the Terrorist...why am i not surprised? I guess i can only sigh and bide my time for my time to come. Laith al-Deen sang once in his song Labyrinth:
Sag suchst Du die Nähe, meistens auch in weiter Ferne
Sehnst Dich nach den Neuen, doch stehst du auf alten Grund
Ich stehle mir ein Lachen, zähl die Stunde allzu gerne
Lass sie durch meine Hände rinnen bist du wieder kommst...
Translation...
you say you seek the near, when it's so far away
longing for what's new, while lingering on the old
i allow myself a smile, counting the hours
letting them run through my hands til you return...
Maggots. It describes me well...don't you think?
Anyway. Congratulations. May you live happily ever after.
Amen.
posted by quatscherei @ 21:14
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