Sometimes i feel like i've been mixing with the wrong crowd all along.
Why? Why?
I don't know. I just feel this way.
I say that i want to seize the day - carpe diem - and it always falls flat on its face. Maybe it doesn't show in camp because well i keep myself busy and entertained, but whenever i have time to reflect on things, this feeling always comes back. And it fucks me up. It's not to say i'm this anti-social monster - contrary to that, i always enjoy good company - but it's beginng to suck. I am seriously feeling like i'm 35 years old now. All the joie de vivre, all the laughter, all the energy...it's simply sapping out of my limbs.
Now, why have i been mixing with the wrong crowd? If you thought being happening in JC was something...well...it didn't mean i was havoc. Sure, i drank, smoked, slept in classes, laughed loudly, disturbed the ladies, skipped school (just occasionally,) had scandals and all the what-not. And i guess my friends were all great people who knew to bend the system, but in the right places. They were decent people you could go out with and let your hair down with.
Am i wrong to say that it was because things were so good between us, that we grew so close that people began to take each other for granted? Well...i for one don't understand why our friends have all turned into mindless muggers who are obsessing over work. Yes, yes...people will say that we in the army don't really have any commitments...no stress...and i will tell you that this is all bollocks. If there weren't any commitment nor stress, why the fuck do you think i am still going outfield to deploy with my section?! And people will say that it's their future...yes there are almost infinite aspects to this tacky little problem and well...you say you're sorry. Guess what...
I'm sorry. For all of you. And for myself.
It seems that everyone will have 7-day weeks in the future...working their asses off.
I never really chiong-ed because in the past no one in my side really did...no one goes to dance, fool around, and chat up beautiful people. Pubbing made things essentially...more private because we talked about our own lives and dreams over glasses of liquor. We believed that being serious and gentlemanly would be cool...in a way, it still is. But in being like this...we left out the other part of ourselves...the us who wanted to have fun, to party, and to laugh at life sometimes.
People have made the effort to organise something and to inform you...just a little reminder that you're not forgotten...but you all have seemed to move on. The stink of it is that we are here. Stuck in limbo. Unable to move on. And for all of you...it always seems like the sentence which goes, 'cela est bien dit, mais il faut cultiver notre jardine...' and you all should translate it into English. you'll understand what i mean...
I have fun with my radar section. I enjoy deploying with them, sweating with them, pushing myself as i push them...it's like a team sport. Everyone has to know exactly what to do and then do it...That's a reason why although i am becoming so lazy/fat/(insert negative adjective) these days, i don't procrastinate when it comes to deploying...if we have to do it, i'm not going to stand around and be another fucking sidewalk superintendent. And well sometimes when the day is out, it's just good to relax and light up with them. Or play badminton. Or complain about the shitty rations. Yeah, wells.
This is NOW. Perhaps i should let the past rest.
posted by quatscherei @ 23:41
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