Stehen geblieben
Sometimes, don’t you just get that horrible feeling that the whole world has moved on and cruelly left you behind, be it intentionally or not?Coming home on Thursday evening for a well-deserved long weekend following a fucked-up Monday outfield (yes, kenneth, I totally agree) and the past 3 days having been spent helping S4 with that stupid forward shipment to THUNDER WARRIOR, helping jason & Co. to ensure that they indented stores properly, and probably not being very nice to someone in particular (melvyn said I was stressing you out by giving you too much to do. I agree. More on that later) I am finally home. After 4 days, intense misery, lethargy, a new pair of running shoes, and about 15 viceroy menthol super lights, I am finally home.
Sigh. Let’s begin with Monday. It was miserable because, well…boss decided to join our little exercise, which, of course, upped the stress factor about fivefold. That, compounded with the way which their sunray performed (yes, all names are changed here) – I guess he still lacked confidence in recce procedures but who’s to blame him – he is new, after all – but I guess what I couldn’t stomach was the way he really lost command/control over his guys. I mean…
COME ON! (adapted from Arrested Development)
What he should’ve done was really take control. I only saw derek raising his voice, telling people what to do. If was as if he never even existed. Oh well, there is much for you to learn yet! That’s another reason why I suddenly gave you so much to do. I wanted you to snap out of that cadet mentality that you just do what you’ve been told to. Go and express yourself. Make yourself heard. You run your own show. Don’t let others run it for you.
sven has been awarded 3 extras for staying out. Interesting happening of the week. Oh well, just your luck. Who asked you to get busted by your boss? Haw. You unfortunate thing.
Anyway, after boring you with all the khatib shenanigans, let’s move on to today’s topic. Why should I feel left behind? It’s not that I have no friends, it’s not that I’m a spaceman (ha, ha) but well…to a lot of people out there, I might as well have originated from Alpha Centauri. I was surfing emelyne’s blog and…well…she’s really happy that it’s all over now, and she’s raving about the work she has during this holiday break. And I just read it with a hint of a sad smile on my face, knowing that that’s why she hasn’t been replying lately, even if it’s the hols. Feeling guilty about pressuring her when she had so much else to worry about. Happy that she’s found work. Sad that probably we won’t be seeing each other this holiday. Feeling like a loser, because this is what I should’ve been doing during my holidays, rather than staying at home and rotting away. A feeling that she’s slipping away. A feeling that no matter how close we proclaim ourselves to be, we’ll never share each other’s ups and downs, achievements and failures. I’ll never be able to take her driving, just as I was never there to see her shoot and win. She didn’t make it to my commissioning, just as I doubt I can be there for her much longer…a mixture of feelings thrown into a cement mixer rotating at 20 revolutions a minute.
I’ve also received a barrage of mails from my ex-NJC classmates, people who have remained dormant for about half a year before spouting up again like some volcano. All the talk about who’s attached and who’s not, and about how everyone talks about gatherings which they want to see but may not necessarily want to organize. I can’t help but feel empty. It just sounds so fake. People just end up getting disappointed in the end. And while it can be nice getting to know a friend’s other half, thinking of it reminded me of our class gathering, which was going fine until something, just something, fucked up. Then, I just began boozing (although 3 bottles of beer is really nothing) and probably wishing I was somewhere better. I recall not talking much to her, shaking the dude’s hand, feeling empty, and posing for a photo which I felt was really phoney. My smile was as fake as Pamela Anderson’s titties, or maybe Britney Spears’ personality. Perhaps that’s why I suggested going for some nightlife event, which was turned down, because some people don’t like nightlife. Well…as in even not pubbing. I should’ve thought better, but part of me didn’t care anymore. They weren’t of my clique, anyway.
But as a surprise, I ran into melissa driving. She was coming down the slope and I was going up. I just waggled my eyebrows and carried on, while she looked obviously amused. All the people you meet when you never intend to! Strangely, the people you always want to meet can never make it…
posted by quatscherei @ 23:59
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