Hey ihr alle da draussen...depression is something which i don't know if i face...i certainly show it only to a select few...my syndicate-mates don't know that i'm kinda depressed lately because everything in camp is just so busy...and what's more being busy takes your mind off issues. So it's really not that bad in camp. It is, however totally different when i book out. No friends, no one at all. End up sitting in a quiet corner reading what Simone Weil tells me in Gravity and Grace which is just entries of a diary which are complex enough to shack you out after 20 pages. Serious. My reading of that book has been at a crawl because of that.
Coming back to why i am depressed, it's because everyone is just so so so bloody f*cking BUSY! I admit got exams coming up. It's not easy for you too. You guys? it was nice of ah cheng to want to jio us out... perhaps he got stung into action by my mail to the class which was angst-ridden and totally dystopic. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen but that was a very honest impression of what i was getting. Sure, pris, jie, shanie replied...it's not that i'm not thankful. I'm thankful for everything given to me. Maybe it's because of this. Because everything has been taken away, leaving me nothing to be thankful of, which is keeping me so down. As Simone Weil puts it, when affliction becomes so intense because grace (or God) has destroyed the 'I' from within, as in destroying all things material which we hold dear, we feel as though we have been abandoned, as the call "Why hast thee abandoned me?"
People say i have lots to be thankful for. I don't doubt that. I have a good life, am in OCS, a wide collection of music and books to feed the mind when my body isn't being trained, a supportive family, a wide (but sadly collapsing) social circle. I think though that it's the little things which really bring comfort to life. To live life sans souci, i guess we got to learn how to appreciate little little things in life. Things so little people don't pay them much attention.
Waking up and then lazing in bed. Reading the newspapers over breakfast on a sunny quiet sunday morning. Sunrise. Patting the dog. Music of all kinds. Daydreaming of Berlin or Venice. Writing letters. Lying in bunk listening to love songs on Class 95. Showering at 2200 and then sleeping at 2230.
Little things, but they're food for the soul. I guess because she and i have gone our ways that there's also this void within me. But to me it's better now than have it drag on and on and on and in the end we break. That's much worse. Stehen wir immer noch beieinander...which to me is really important. Someone you can pour your heart out to. As for my other friends, i don't know what to consider them. They are friends but then you never see them. Perhaps i got so pissed because i was living a dream in JC. Had (so so) many friends, an attitude problem with the folks, too many late nights, laughter, nonsense, no worries, no girlfriend (but always trying), freedom, and all the time in the world. Things change. I only wonder how i managed to come so far. Maybe it's because all the girls are already an der Uni and that my friends are taken up that i found out how to make more out of less, appreciate the family, be more serious, worry a tad more, be that little more sensible, and value freedom that much more. Maybe that's why i got pissed. Because i saw a dream dying and i could do nothing to stop it.
Nie haette ich mir gedacht, dass es heute so geworden sein koennte. Aujourd'hui, sans elle, sans mes amis...je ne comprends pas...Pourquoi? Sigh. Man muss sich damit irgendwie zurechtkommen. Na ja. Das Leben geht eben weiter.
Watched l'auberge espagnole today. The VCD that is. It's a movie worth collecting because it's about what i would like to be like in uni. Sharing an appartment with people from diff. backgrounds and different languages and seeing how it all comes together is magical. I've experienced it once at PAD 2002. And i want to re-live it. I doubt it's that difficult because it can happen in Germany? What's more, it's funny. No qualms about watching it again and again. Go and get it! It's in French. I don't understand it too. Only can understand about 10%. But read the subtitles. It's incredibly funny yet beautiful. Makes life seem better for...2 hours?
Today's recommendation is by Jam & Spoon. I know you haven't heard of them. Nor is their CD available in Singapore. They make good music, download this for starters:
Jam & Spoon feat. Plavka - Butterfly Sign
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time
That's my butterfly sign
Sail into the sunset with me, dive in my ocean where our emotion can run free
I'm riding a wave on top of the world
One thing is missing - I need your kissing
I need unity
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time, butterfly time
And if ever i hear his melody my butterfly heart will tell me this is my sign
That's my butterfly sign
All the flowers have taken bloom
I'm so delighted, I've not decided whom to choose
I've been living in a cocoon - i need a change to open up my wings
Try something new
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time, butterfly time
And if ever i hear his melody my butterfly heart will tell me this is my sign
That's my butterfly sign
I will open my mind wide as can be - vast as heaven, vast as the sea
'cos there's something missing in me
And only i can find
'cos there's a love waiting for me
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time, butterfly time
And if ever i hear his melody my butterfly heart will tell me this is my sign
That's my butterfly sign
Cool huh? They have really good songs but not all are good - since when was there a perfect album? So have fun...Heard about the Kings of Convenience...are they good? Do tell!
posted by quatscherei @ 17:26
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