Hey eme mei...this is specially for you, so i hope you read this...
I've also doubted myself at so many points of my life. People have done many things which could've put me down or destroyed all my worth. There have been times where people have done things which have really made me question if i was worthy of becoming an officer if i was really that screwed-up. There have been times where i myself didn't believe myself capable of being where i am today because of what i have perceived to have done. I have been unkind. I have hurt people before. I have questioned my own abilities, seeing how other people are doing so absolutely well and me so pathetically.
What kept me going on, living for the next day, living for the day when i can stand on the parade square? Motivation. Seeing the proud faces of my parents. Seeing my friends there for me. Seeing you. So many things to look forward to, and it's not things like privileges as an officer...such things i should probably look forward to later, but as for now its just something as formless as pride, honour, glory. There's also this little part of me which wants to see myself standing there...proving to myself that no matter how tough it was, i just gritted my teeth and carried on...
Perhaps that's what you're fighting for too, and i respect that. Remember the time when you told me you were going to air rifle and i told you what i really felt, that you would achieve so much and go so far? Guess what, you really went that far and so much more and kor is so so proud of you...Maybe you don't see it yourself because you're just so disappointed and so disenchanted with yourself.
But maybe you're right that you need a break from all this. I for one think it's wise - you really need a rest. Everyone wants to beat themselves at whatever they do. Trust me. I'm not a competitive bowler and i'm trying to beat myself every time i hit the lanes. Next month i'm going to drill a high-performance ball and play it...so me, too wants to improve and do better and move up the grade. But how the ball will work is still beyond me. It's a risk. But everyone takes risks, you included. Why didn't you opt out? Because you wanted to give it one final shot. You took the risk. And you deserve credit for that. I'll give you credit that you hung on despite all the flak you took, for believing in yourself.
You said it yourself that you've achieved so much that you'd never thought possible...I've come a long way too. Always believed that i'd never be able to lead men and here i am in OCS. Always believed that i'd never be good at sports but proved to myself that there's some parts which i can actually perform at. Never thought i'd break 9 minutes for SOC and 10 minutes for 2.4, but i did. Small achievements, but achievements nevertheless. You're way beyond me in that you've gone all the way up there.
But your dream is not dead. The dream is never over because once your dreams die, you as a person has died too. Scary? But to have lost your ideals for life - that is scary in itself and it should never, ever happen to anyone. Look up - you're young and there's a life ahead of you...you have your friends and family. you have your boyfriend. you have your kor! Dreaming isn't just about winning. Dreaming isn't just about proving something to yourself. Dreaming is about a life which you would want to live forever in, which is in itself something so much more than winning or proving to yourself that you can actually surpass your limits.
You did your best. So don't look back with regret. As i always say, it's not about what you could have done then, but what do you do now? Look ahead! I don't regret every step i've taken because i learn from them and then forget them. Every sunrise is a new day and a new beginning and for me one day closer to book out, so you should treat every day with new optimism and new zest! Don't mull over what's in the past because you can't change it anymore, okay?
Tell me about it some day. I'd love to help. Take care.
posted by quatscherei @ 19:28
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