Hallo ihr alle da draussen...today something happened...i guess all the clouds of doubt have finally lifted to shed light upon my insecurities and 'What If''s...and...it was a reply i foresaw but really hoped i wouldn't see...
I guess, by now, that you know what the answer is.
And i hope that you, too are reading this...or maybe not...i don't want you to feel any worse than you feel about me...you don't owe me an apology. You just made a choice...and yes no matter how hard it is to stomach...i will stand by it, because...you've thought about it...and no matter what i think about it...things won't change...as you said...your heart is set in stone...just as every river must run its course...i'll let things go their natural way and...someday everything'll just fall into place...that is what i believe...Idealistic? Maybe...but there are things which are out of everyone's hands...
I think the guys got quite worried about how i reacted. You should have been there...or told me face-to-face...Kelvin said that my eyes turned red. Not red as in glowing evil red, but yes it was true...i didn't know whether to break down or to just heave a sigh of relief that it was all over. And i really, really shut up the entire night - even in front of his friends...even during mahjong...i won some really nice hands and didn't even boast, shout loudly, etc etc...yah...you could see the word 'concern' written on their faces but they did nothing...what great people they are, wouldn't you say?
And your words tugged at the very strings of my heart...i wanted to scream and shout, to vent all my frustrations upon you...but i didn't. One thing you taught me...to appreciate everyone and to accept difficult decisions like these...because deep down, when it comes to making these decisions...everyone must face his or her inner stars too...you said you weren't ready. And i will wait. Call me stubborn, call me foolish if you will...perhaps one day we shall see the change in one of us...when either your walls have crumbled stone by stone or they have stood proud and i have fallen instead...
Please don't shrug things off by saying that i should find someone else - that i should give kah yee a second chance...it doesn't work that way...really...you and i both know that...you can't just grow feelings overnight for someone and expect them to reciprocate...between kah yee and i...we're the best of friends because no matter what happens we've held on together...i can't do without her, but i can't do without a lot of people...i can't just like this girl all of a sudden, just because you say so...i may be selfish, but we've been best friends so long that...it's pretty unlikely that we should get together because...the dynamics of a new relationship would, although exciting and somewhat fulfilling, would require us to get to know a whole new set of rules...both of us have our own lives to lead, our own friends, our own interests...if i could...i'd plan her marriage...if only i could...
One little request...let's not be strangers, even if you've closed your inner sanctuary to me...thank you for showing yourself to me...i hope to show you more of what i'm really like too...that's what a friendship is built on, isn't it?
I don't know what more should i say...words have begun to fail me...what's running around in my head is a strange mix of Secret Garden songs, lyrics of some songs, my own jumbled thoughts, a week-old picture of us, and a soft, bittersweet melody.
posted by quatscherei @ 23:03
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