Sigh...This new year has brought me nothing but shit. Seriously. Even if it's only 2 seperate incidents, somehow i've been really very badly affected by it all...i seriously wish it was a nightmare from which one can wake up...Too bad that there's no such thing...yes life is a never-ending story until the very day when you don't even know what a story is...i thought it was bad enough from last Friday...and spent a very down weekend indeed....wondering what could've, would've, should've been....and then spending days in pensive wallowing in my own insecurities and hurt...making friends concerned whilst convincing her that i was alright...and then i discovered that i actually lost my 11B...initially i thought it was in camp because it wasn't in my wallet when i attempted to apply for a new phone line...then last night, i went back to camp early to rummage around and guess what?
I didn't find it still. Returned home from camp today and searched again, but to no avail...the finality of having to pay the fine and face the music is finally beginning to sink in. Yeah, well. It happens.
What struck me as miraculous was the simple fact that despite leaving it in the bunk in what i consider to be quite an obvious spot, upon returning it totally disappeared. Add that to the fact that the room is locked by a MasterLock to which only the FATA guys know the combination, and something smells really fishy. I don't know what's going on, but i don't like it...and the fact that the OA account is literally breathing down my neck doesn't really help too.
She said it was lucky that it was something which money could buy back...Well, it's not about the fifty dollars. That is quite easily settled - rather, what's at stake here is an officer's pride...am i sounding too proud and high-and-mighty here? I dearly hope not - but what would you think if a newly-commissioned 2nd Lieutenant came to your office, claiming he lost his 11B?
'Brash, young punk. Couldn't know better, couldn't give 2 more fucks. Bloody irresponsible jackass.'
Excuse the language, but wouldn't you think like that? And yes. I just got into battery line today. It won't be pretty to report that i lost my identification document, even if it was stolen.
Sigh. I am such a bloody fucking mess! This new year...it's been nothing but botched. I haven't been exactly very much in the new year mood this year - showing everyone a sian face. Couldn't get the least bit excited, got very very sleepy, moody and brooding instead. It's no way to celebrate a New Year...but i guess things were different this year. Every year is different...
What i must be thankful for, however, is knowing how true my friends and family are. They cared. Provided support. Tried to perk me up. Talked sense into me and told me that i had lots to be grateful for - something i don't doubt. Who understood what i was going through. And i guess that kelvin and ultimately xiaojun were correct: There's so much more to be thankful for than to hurt over. And my family...they cared and got really worked up over the 11B...sigh. How lucky am I? It doesn't mean that i don't think i'm a wreck now - i still am. Things will need to get sorted out...slowly wounds heal...slowly...
Only if I could turn back time...turn back the clock to one week before...when everything still had a semblance of normalcy and i was actually looking forward to one week at home. I guess i know better now.
Today is Valentine's Day...a day for couples, lovers...and friends? Oh well, that's what she said when i wished her happy valentine's...happy friendship day? I don't know lah. While everyone is out celebrating their love here i am drowning in all the shit which is filling my life...It's a lonely Valentine's Day. Lonely and sad. All the frustration is welling up deep within...But i guess despite all this i can be thankful for some little things...And for all the people who give in little worlds what the big busy world outside misses.
posted by quatscherei @ 19:48
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