Sometimes i wonder at my amazing capability to fuck myself up altogether. Sigh. Jie's mad at me, because i said something very inappropraite just now...i'm sorry...i don't know why i did that, but...i guess...things which are meant earnestly are sometimes jarring to the ears...i didn't intend it in the manner you thought...but i guess it can be very insulting...like how i will probably beat up someone who insults my rank, leadership and maturity...so i guess...i hit way, way below the belt...i'm so sorry...but it's true that i think that way sometimes...oh well. Like you said, too bad for me. I suppose.
And why did i fuck myself up further? It just dawned on me that as a young child i had almost no childhood whatsoever to speak of. I was just an introverted quiet child who'd rather lose himself in a book than go out and play, who'd keep to himself rather than greet people with a smile. Who never really smiled. And i guess that carried on into secondary school...which i came to hate as a repressive place where i lived in fear of committing mistakes, and ultimately became one who desired nothing but time for himself, who shied away from classmates...i guess i only broke the mold in JC, evolving into a high-profile, outspoken, sometimes foolish and rude, having no fears, albeit being quite immature...and it was only in OCS that i changed into the person who would shake your hand upon introduction, send ladies home after a date (it's only proper), be able to step into a ballroom confidently without messing up, knowing the appropraite decorum and behaviour for the occasion, and who began to give a fuck for what other people thought and really began to pay attention. It's not that i didn't accord people their attention in the past - i considered myself a good listener, and i still would like to think myself one - but i never really cared about what people felt about what i did. I just did things because i felt that it matched my profile in school. Which wasn't very healthy, on hindsight. But i guess i didn't care then. Now, things matter. It's a reason why i'm not so given to acting on the moment anymore - because i think now that being rash and happy-go-lucky may have quite ugly outcomes.
Let's stop digressing from the main topic...and i suppose you should be quite tired of all the ugliness of my 20 years of existence up to now. What's wrong?
1. I can't play football/basketball/most games properly for nuts because i never had the exposure to. After a traumatic incident today, it dawned on me again...
2. I don't smile even if i'm in a neutral mood. No wonder people say i look very fierce (and sometimes i scare myself too...)
3. There's still a slightly introverted side to myself at times.
4. I wish that i could play a musical instrument, but i can't. Never was interested...until i came to appreciate music more...(soll ich die Mandoline lernen?)
5. Schlechtes Gewissen beim Nachdenken und Wiederholen!
Sigh.
The trade course is beginning soon...and me and melvyn have actually begun to study again...surprise, surprise! we've been studying our manuals again, so that at least we won't put ourselves to shame when we teach the locators...they're JC batch, our direct juniors...which should make them a pretty studious and hardworking, albeit easily-bullied and fearful of authority, bunch...i hope the new privates are good. We'll need these locators for FATEP and the overseas exercises.
Meanwhile, more sai kang begins to pile up around us and so...i guess...it's time for the training tempo to go up again...
'Party's over!'
posted by quatscherei @ 21:24
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