What's Next?
I’m going to have a nuclear-sized headache soon, and maybe vomit blood all over my keyboard.The fucking decision process on whether to take a scholarship or not is really driving me nuts…now I wish I’d never ever applied for a fucking scholarship in the first place. Granted, I’ll be well-to-do when I go and study, but is this really what I want? Winning the lottery may not be the best thing in the world, huh?
Let’s get back to principles. What was it that I ever wanted? I know that when I was just a child, I wanted to be a rocket scientist, funky groovy shit like that. Then as I grew up, I came to understand that life is short, and now all I wanna do is to see as much of the world as I can before I die. Which could be tomorrow. Or the day after. Or 7300 days later. Or when I’m 106 years old.
You can tell when I’m pissed about something. Either I smoke or listen to techno music. And I’m blasting sunshine live Deutschland now. So go figure.
I’m really torn. I know that once I take this particular scholarship, I’ll probably never let it go as a career. I don’t harbour any illusions of grandeur about become some big fuck scientist or the Chief of Defence Force. I just want a stable career, a (hopefully European) wife, kids, a home, a means to support my sister (who is mentally handicapped, for the uninitiated) and to see a lot of the world as I go along.
You may say that that’s all good and well with a scholarship – you get a secure job and get paid all through university. But that’s about all that’s good. I’ll tell you this – if I ever wanted to work for the government, I’d have signed up with the SAF already. I can’t foresee myself working with the SCDF…and I feel rotten even thinking about it now. Like what the fuck…the stink of it all is that I must either be really idealistic and strong-willed, or something must fuck up really badly for me to want to go after my bond. Think about the promotions and the money…i mean, no matter how idealistic you may be, you still have to be realistic. Money talks and your dreams don’t.
That also means that I’m very liable to head-hunting (as if I was really that damned good.)
I tried applying to the private sector once but the lead went cold. Bastards. That’s their loss.
I must say, however, that I chose to take up a scholarship mainly based on one thing: my family. It’s really more of a façade that we’re really well to do, because we may not be actually. My sister is going to need lots of full-time support and what’s gonna happen when the dough runs out? Do I want to go and pursue my dreams, come home and face my parents who are working on just to support my sister…do I think, then, that maybe I should have taken it? Or let’s just use the flip side of the coin. I can come back and be really unhappy with the system, but they just give me cash to keep my trap shut. Is this happiness anyway?
But part of me is tired of all this. Tired of the fact that because of what happened in your family, and because of the fact that you sure as hell cannot choose your family, that I’ve been taught since young that I’ll have to support my sister no matter what. Tired of putting everyone before me. Tired of putting my work before me. I’m really, really tired. And I don’t want this to destroy me.
But what do I do?!
There is another way…although looking at it from the aspect of money is really myopic, I understand that places a huge financial stress on my parents. I am perfectly willing to work while I study. It’s another experience, and perhaps having work and having to get a source of income means that I have a lesser opportunity to get into trouble, if you know what I mean.
Unless I become head of some secret society over there.
Sigh. Pulling out all my fucking hair man…so pissed about this whole thing! Hopefully I can sell the other option to my folks. Will also have to make them see that I may not come back…see where the fates take me, huh? Hrmph.
In my own words,
Der grösste Trick wird auf jeden gespielt. Er heisst Schicksal.
posted by quatscherei @ 01:15
1 Comments:
Good luck with your decision. Just know what your responsibilities entail when taking up that scholarship.
And remember, bond breaking is very expensive.
Post a Comment
<< Home