Veränderung
Update...this is about changes. It just struck me just now over dinner when i was talking with my family and heard that my late grandma's apartment in Chinatown is going to be sold. Combined with my going downtown with Sam last weekend...wollte nur einige Dinge sagen, die mir plötzlich aufgefallen sind...
It's mainly about change. I will miss that little apartment where i grew up. Where my grandmother taught me the ways of the world and i benefited in every way from her kindness and love. Chinatown has changed since i was a little 7-year-old boy who began staying at my grandma's. When i went down last weekend, half of a street linking New Bridge and South Bridge roads was blocked off to form a food street (as most of you know by now.) So much development has changed the face of the place...so many tourists and everything...
But it was also amazing how it seemed almost not to have changed before my eyes. For Sam, she hasn't been there like always so she couldn't understand it. But i still go for breakfast there at this little shop which sells bee hoon and porridge at 70 cents apiece with the friendly man and his mother - they've been at that very stall for 3 generations. Fed me poppa, too. I still remember the bakeries which turned out fresh mooncakes and pastries at a certain time and who gave you (slightly) preferential treatment if you spoke Cantonese.
It's just how a short visit back there can bring back such a sense of déjà vu where everything is different but strangely familiar. Die Zeit und die Umstände haben sich verändert, doch nicht der Geist...
Depression | Butterfly Sign | L'auberge espagnole | Das Leben?
Hey ihr alle da draussen...depression is something which i don't know if i face...i certainly show it only to a select few...my syndicate-mates don't know that i'm kinda depressed lately because everything in camp is just so busy...and what's more being busy takes your mind off issues. So it's really not that bad in camp. It is, however totally different when i book out. No friends, no one at all. End up sitting in a quiet corner reading what Simone Weil tells me in Gravity and Grace which is just entries of a diary which are complex enough to shack you out after 20 pages. Serious. My reading of that book has been at a crawl because of that.
Coming back to why i am depressed, it's because everyone is just so so so bloody f*cking BUSY! I admit got exams coming up. It's not easy for you too. You guys? it was nice of ah cheng to want to jio us out... perhaps he got stung into action by my mail to the class which was angst-ridden and totally dystopic. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen but that was a very honest impression of what i was getting. Sure, pris, jie, shanie replied...it's not that i'm not thankful. I'm thankful for everything given to me. Maybe it's because of this. Because everything has been taken away, leaving me nothing to be thankful of, which is keeping me so down. As Simone Weil puts it, when affliction becomes so intense because grace (or God) has destroyed the 'I' from within, as in destroying all things material which we hold dear, we feel as though we have been abandoned, as the call "Why hast thee abandoned me?"
People say i have lots to be thankful for. I don't doubt that. I have a good life, am in OCS, a wide collection of music and books to feed the mind when my body isn't being trained, a supportive family, a wide (but sadly collapsing) social circle. I think though that it's the little things which really bring comfort to life. To live life sans souci, i guess we got to learn how to appreciate little little things in life. Things so little people don't pay them much attention.
Waking up and then lazing in bed. Reading the newspapers over breakfast on a sunny quiet sunday morning. Sunrise. Patting the dog. Music of all kinds. Daydreaming of Berlin or Venice. Writing letters. Lying in bunk listening to love songs on Class 95. Showering at 2200 and then sleeping at 2230.
Little things, but they're food for the soul. I guess because she and i have gone our ways that there's also this void within me. But to me it's better now than have it drag on and on and on and in the end we break. That's much worse. Stehen wir immer noch beieinander...which to me is really important. Someone you can pour your heart out to. As for my other friends, i don't know what to consider them. They are friends but then you never see them. Perhaps i got so pissed because i was living a dream in JC. Had (so so) many friends, an attitude problem with the folks, too many late nights, laughter, nonsense, no worries, no girlfriend (but always trying), freedom, and all the time in the world. Things change. I only wonder how i managed to come so far. Maybe it's because all the girls are already an der Uni and that my friends are taken up that i found out how to make more out of less, appreciate the family, be more serious, worry a tad more, be that little more sensible, and value freedom that much more. Maybe that's why i got pissed. Because i saw a dream dying and i could do nothing to stop it.
Nie haette ich mir gedacht, dass es heute so geworden sein koennte. Aujourd'hui, sans elle, sans mes amis...je ne comprends pas...Pourquoi? Sigh. Man muss sich damit irgendwie zurechtkommen. Na ja. Das Leben geht eben weiter.
Watched l'auberge espagnole today. The VCD that is. It's a movie worth collecting because it's about what i would like to be like in uni. Sharing an appartment with people from diff. backgrounds and different languages and seeing how it all comes together is magical. I've experienced it once at PAD 2002. And i want to re-live it. I doubt it's that difficult because it can happen in Germany? What's more, it's funny. No qualms about watching it again and again. Go and get it! It's in French. I don't understand it too. Only can understand about 10%. But read the subtitles. It's incredibly funny yet beautiful. Makes life seem better for...2 hours?
Today's recommendation is by Jam & Spoon. I know you haven't heard of them. Nor is their CD available in Singapore. They make good music, download this for starters:
Jam & Spoon feat. Plavka - Butterfly Sign
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time
That's my butterfly sign
Sail into the sunset with me, dive in my ocean where our emotion can run free
I'm riding a wave on top of the world
One thing is missing - I need your kissing
I need unity
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time, butterfly time
And if ever i hear his melody my butterfly heart will tell me this is my sign
That's my butterfly sign
All the flowers have taken bloom
I'm so delighted, I've not decided whom to choose
I've been living in a cocoon - i need a change to open up my wings
Try something new
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time, butterfly time
And if ever i hear his melody my butterfly heart will tell me this is my sign
That's my butterfly sign
I will open my mind wide as can be - vast as heaven, vast as the sea
'cos there's something missing in me
And only i can find
'cos there's a love waiting for me
And if ever, ever i will fall in love my butterfly heart will tell me when it's my time, butterfly time
And if ever i hear his melody my butterfly heart will tell me this is my sign
That's my butterfly sign
Cool huh? They have really good songs but not all are good - since when was there a perfect album? So have fun...Heard about the Kings of Convenience...are they good? Do tell!
an image i came across. Urban peace at night? Unreal. That's why these pictures have appeal.
Zwiebeln-Hass | Abschied nehmen | Zusammenbruch
Hey ihr alle da draussen...why does my title sound so sad and depressing? Well because that's what things have kinda been like for me of late...A busy week in camp has kept my mind off things, but once the night comes and you're lying in bunk, you suddenly realise how downwards things have begun to spiral, spiral....
FDM and FO package has been okay but i'm not confident of passing my gunnery exam because i get confused too easily and apply all the wrong formulae. Like that then jialat already la...too many formulae running around in my limited headspace. Had BCP CPX on wed and i found out that i couldn't calculate anymore after 8 or so missions. Implication? Cannot be GPO lor. Better go to Liaison. haha.
Topic says Zwiebeln-Hass...that's an irrational hate of onions. Experts say they're good for your heart but then when your gal won't even kiss you farewell for the next 5 months...wow it really makes you hate them huh? Don't worry, love. I shouldn't be that immature to demand things like that from you...maybe i'm not mature enuff la...still. i HATE onions now. bleah.
Carrying on from above, von ihr Abschied zu nehmen...there you go far far away again and all i can do is say goodbye downstairs at your place last night. I can't even go to the airport. Sad huh. Too bad lor you're flying on thurs night and i will still be in camp...book out only on fri night. Just too bad that i'm gonna miss everything by just nice about 24 hours. What to do? i've let you go because i don't want a long-term relationship to hurt us both. go and be happy. i hope you will be...as for me, life carries on. Tell me if your boyfriend abuses you man then i will give him 1x good one...and don't get too jealous if i find a girl! Promise to spend time with you when you get back though...i hope that she (if i've found her yet which is highly unlikely) is forgiving enough...anyway. my CD's! Dang i think i'll have to get a new CD wallet. Listening to so much music lately...
It's been said that music, food and friends are key to survival in camp. How so true. Friends are my army buddies and food well it's never in short supply! But maybe i've been applying this to outside life too...Outside i'm just a lonely person without as many friends as i had in JC to go out and hang around with. So now music is the key and my cure. Don't know how long it will last though. I've sworn off buying music until she returns with my CD's. haha. European music rocks! Think of all the people they've produced: The Rasmus, Jam & Spoon, Laith Al-Deen, Xavier Naidoo, Within Temptation, Kate Ryan, Rammstein, and what have you? Better than what comes out of the US of A because they're just so simple and one-track. Yuck. That's a turn-off to the max.
Zusammenbruch wie 'Alles gehen im Zusammenbruch!" She's leaving. My social circle is beginning to collapse. I flare up at friends. I've begun to withdraw into a shell. It's all about the social thing. Who likes the prospect of booking out to nothing? I mean, yeah i bowl and i've met new people there but then maybe they're only your bowling friends, people who you will congratulate on the most beautiful strike shot you've ever seen. Not that mine aren't la. Ave is in the 135-140 range liao but it should up even more if i cut my ball speed that much more...Anyway, i digress. I've been frustrated because you're going away, Schatz...like you say it's a phase. But then...sigh i don't think i should carry on. I woke up this morning STILL feeling like shit. it's okay lah. you don't have to make up anything to me (except being earlier next time) because it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault that i'm just feeling cruddy these days.
Until Friday...adieu.
Wochenende? | Wuenschliste | Within Temptation!
Hey ihr alle da draussen...it's Thursday and i have a night off...mainly because all of the instructors have to go for some farewell dinner thingy. Ah hecks. not bad liao la...But got some bad news...because we were supposed to have a 5-day week but they negated it...so now we got 1 saturday in camp...sigh...at least we still get alternate weekends off you might say but ahh wells. Another typical case of the Army giving you false hope and then so brutally destroying it totally.
Sigh.
Anyhow...here i am writing this entry after an absolutely crazy week which is finally coming to a close. Apart from a 2-day survey exercise (set up director! Run about! Take readings!) and then more crazy, crazy math (Fire Director Manual!) bleah...nutter! A day sitting with a manual and i get almost nothing out of it...time wasted? maybe la...but hecks. Tomolo's the end of the week, time to book out even though i got to book in on saturday for a LIFE RUN. Verdammt scheiss sag ich dazu, wieso muss ich denn so frueh aufstehen nur laufen zu gehen? Einfach ist es mit dem Hin- und Herlaufen eine riese Zeitverschwendung. Na egal dagegen kann ich nix tun...
Someone's going away in 2 weeks...i wonder what life will be like without her. She gives me light, hope and love which makes everything seem that little bit better. Makes life bearable. Ohne dich geht's nicht, Schaetzchen...aber ich muss dich endlich fliegen lassen...es wird uns alle besser...egal! Still got 2 weeks; don't waste it aye...
Got a hammock for her sister before i booked out so i ended up broke...nvm la was tempted to go bowl today but didn't wanna pay for the games nor the resurfacing. haha...not cheap lei 30 bucks...considering how i'm intending to get a new ball (Depth Charge / Recharge / X-Factor World 2003 / Red Alert Plus) come the end of the year...i can expect poverty yes? still got comms ball, no. 1, so much to pay for!!! $730 bucks per month...where got enough?!?! sigh....
Just for interest, what's the hammock for? I mean, for goodness' sake, it's GREEN. hahaha...ah wells you're you so happy hanging i guess...
I got a CD for $52 at HMV. A facking bomb you might say, well yeah...but it's by Within Temptation...this virtually unknown group from sweden i think...well they don't just make loud punk gothic music, they've got some pretty cool songs too which hint at inner peace, and set your world to rights. The album's called Mother Earth, recommend the title track, Ice Queen, Our Farewell, Never-ending Story, Deceiver of Fools, In Perfect Harmony...6 tracks out of 14, but the rest are listenable if you're the type who likes gregorian-esque chants, heavy metal and guitars, a soft and peaceful entry breaking into heavy heavy music, or meaningful lyrics. There's no i love you i love you in here. Trust me.
Lyrics? Give THIS a shot.
Within Temptation - In Perfect Harmony
In a world so far away
At the end of a closing day
A little child was born and raised
Deep in the forest on a hidden place
Mother never saw his face
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony
The woods protected, fulfilled his
Needs
Fruit by birds, honey by bees
He found shelter under trees
He grew up in their company
They became his family
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony
A thousand seasons
They passed him by
So many times, have said goodbye
And when the spirits called
out his name
to join forever, forever to stay
a forest spirit he became
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony
Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being
Who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony...
Well, these lyrics hint at magick, nicht nach einem Schrei nach Liebe...cool stuff anyway you see it. Grab it if you want it! Or tell me and if you're a close enough friend, perhaps you'll get a sampler one day (it's copy-protected; sorry to all you pirates out there.)
Wishlist!! From Germany, of course. Schatz, wenn du mir was kaufen willst, sag's mir okay...then i won't have to order it and get it sent to you. should be cheaper overall...
1. Rammstein - Reise Reise
2. Laith Al-Deen LIVE [Limited Edition Doppel CD!]
3. Wir Sind Helden - Die Reklamation
4. Reamonn - Raise Your Hands Live [Doppel-CD]
Yeah...anyone kind enough to buy it for x-mas??
Birthday soon!! hint...haha
Aus dem Dschungel gekommen | Durcheinandersein
Hallo ihr alle da draussen...endlich bin ich wieder zu Hause, aus der Hoelle (not really la) aber es hat doch Spass gemacht! Well. you don't think that certainly when you're out of water, drinking by the capful, with a signals set on your back and trekking up a neverending steep slope. But, when you get all home and dry, everything comes into a different perspective. Life is good, and when you look back, alles ist wie Schall und Rauch...so hazy, yet you went through it...thing is, i doubt i will ever return to LANCER. unless i get FO, of course, which will probably get me killed eventualy...considering my non-fitness. haha! Although i completed the so-called Ironman challenge (signals set for 3 days! up and down the hills and mountains!) and survived on a bare minimum of dessert packages, fruit bars as well as stream water, here i am again. Home, and dry...
Had some days for R&R too...LANCER is a really small place, only the urban centres are developed but otherwise, the country remains as rural as it was. I didn't mean that in a bad way. You have virgin rainforest there, unlike the stuff you get at home. That meant that although it could be a sweltering 32 deg C outside, in the foliage it's a comfy 20+. It can be raining up there but down below you're bone-dry. Stream water is always cooling and really quenches thirst, even when we need to add water purification tablets, it's sweeter than the best of wines...can't say the same of FBO though. Had to pack the bare minimum because of the signals set, and together it still weighed in excess of 40+ kg? There was a slope of gradient etwa 70 degrees and we had to climb grabbing for roots up above and stepping up below. The ground was so loose that it was like...extreme rock climbing without ropes, harness...it's not tiring, really: Adrenaline keeps you running!
Speaking of which, i haven't hit the walls for bloody
8 months. I can't believe it...
Got home and went DFS first...haha...luckily i got friends who don't drink, so i managed to buy 1 litre of Absolut Citron
and 1 litre of Bacardi Oro...lotsa drinks at home now...hahaha...that's kinda bad, innit? Burning my liver away at such a tender age...sigh...then i met Sam in town! Yeah thing is that whenever we meet we don't have to do much, don't have to go shopping or to the movies, don't even have to walk around. Sitting down and just enjoying each other's presence is what counts. Really. The closeness of someone who you know will be far, far away in awhile makes it all worth it...
The past few days in camp have been quite crazy. Apart from parade rehearsals (M16 without bayonet! Now how can like that...) and lessons, i just found out how crazy artillery can be because on our first days of lessons we learnt the sine rule, polar coordinates...goodness, so much stuff and so much math and i'm no math genius aye...also had some outfield, but there's gonna be more next week like a 2 days 1 night survey exercise. Outfield again...sigh but hey it's only for 2 days 1 night! Not that long la. It's the survey i'm more insecure about because i don't seem to understand many things at all...how to lay a director...calibration of a director and compass... Basically it's only this much, but much much more is coming...just hope that i can keep up with class and not nod off so much...If not, how to go for BATTLE KING @ CRESCENDO? sigh...
Es gibt bei mir ein Problem...ein Dilemma...Freitagabend ist jemand zu mir gekommen, um bei mir zu uebernachten...ich weiss nicht warum ich sie gelassen habe, mit
John bowling zu gehen...danach heimkommen und sie ganz ganz leise aufgewacht...danach das
Komputer spielen...koennte ich es nicht besser getan haben? danach die ganze Nacht bei ihr verbringen, beieinander gelegt...wie nah du mir jetzt bist, kann ich nur jetzt schaetzen...ich glaube es wird nicht lange so besonders wenn du wegfliegst...du hast mir 2 Jahren gegeben und dazu sag ich na ja mal schauen...aber machen wir jetzt mal weiter...weiss nur dass es gefaellt mir...
DU SELBST gefaellst mir, weiss nicht aber ob es bei dir auch so ist...
If you don't understand that, don't worry. it's not for you to understand.
Sigh...
