Leb' den Tag: January 2006

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Der Tag, an dem es regnete

Another story told by pictures...the day in NZ when it rained.

The valleys were shrouded in mist and low clouds as a light, perpetual drizzle fell from the overcast skies.

It was so cold, i huddled up in the shelter, wrapped in a sleeping bag.

Without my boots, of course!

As the dark clouds gathered yet again...

guowei decided to come and partake in the suffering of the freezer-shelter.

The mist spreaded to our deployment ground on Carbuncle! How everyone in the 5-tonne survived still eludes me. Perhaps they hibernated in their sleeping bags too. However...

The rain stopped after a fashion...

The clouds parted enough for some sunlight to dry out the earth...

I showed up barefooted on the deployment ground (my boots were still on the generator drying)

Proof that the ground is soft but dry even after a shower: i ran on it!

boss said we could all go back to camp...it was the end of pre-FATEP, non? But before we left, we went Band of Brothers-ish...

It was so cold that i couldn't do what i like doing best (when the radar is down/no tracking and there's no boss/CI/CO hovering around...)

Being a sleep-O and dreaming the hours away...

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Rebel Heart..?

At this point of time, I wonder why I didn’t arrow myself to be the Admin Party for THUNDER WARRIOR. I’d still be at Waiouru, going to Hot Shots (that’s the canteen there,) enjoying the cold, dry weather, and basically whiling the hours away with Ralph, Playboy, Penthouse, FHM and other assorted magazines, accompanied by doing what I want to do, when I want to do…I doubt there’ll be anything like post-exercise PMCS…so yeah. I’d at least have time to myself. Some peace and quiet…

Some of you may question why I’d rather be alone in NZ when I could be home collecting money for the lunar New Year. It’s just a negative experience, but it’s one I expect to face many times when I bring up my not wanting to take up any scholarship (and yes, I will be forking out the 3k fine…)

It seems that during reunion dinner just now that somehow the topic of my not wanting to take up a scholarship surfaced. And it seemed like everyone thinks it’s foolish, dumb, and it’ll cost me the heartache of 3000 bucks. Sigh. It’s not that I can’t take advice, but when most of the advice comes from the ‘I’ve seen more years than you, yadda yadda yadda,’ line, it kinda tunes me out immediately.

I guess I’m biased too…of course, you’d be biased to whatever side your stand is…

I may sound like a rebel but I want to live my own life, learn from my own mistakes and learn to live my choices to the fullest…so far it’s been so good…and I want to keep life like that. I feel like I have loads of time to make all my decisions, but yet I feel hard-pressed and out of time…sigh. It feels like I’m trapped in limbo.

I hate myself for being kiasu. Taking all 3 scholarships’ preliminary offers because I wanted to leave myself a choice at the end. It all seemed so simple then. Look where I am now. Stuck in a quagmire. If only I knew. Only if i…

Sigh. But it was nice catching up with reuben (now the other Singaporean one)…he has big plans! And of course I can’t let all of you in on it…

Happy lunar New Year, all. Have a blessed year of the Dog…

7093 Wörter noch über NZ

Since pictures are worth a thousand words...

reuben waxing lyrical whilst sitting on a tank track.

TA Battery: Happy family@Nursery

I have a thing for this picture of heaven-like pictures, huh?

The day it rained...it was so cold there was fog everywhere. Maybe we were among the clouds.

From the top of the hill at Nursery. Bite-sized radars!

Harts, a place i never went to.

Sunrise@Carbuncle. It's bitterly cold in the mornings, but once the Sun comes out and thaws you out, you'll know that it's gonna be a damn beautiful day.

Neuseeland

Before I continue rambling on about New Zealand…

Zum Geburtstag viel Glück, samantha! Yeah yeah…alles wird besser…es ist nicht einfach, 22 zu sein aber du wirst irgendwie damit auskommen…I think lah. See you in Germany!

And back to topic.

My first impression of New Zealand was…how friendly everything was. I mean, like, fats was waving at all the girls along the way and they all smiled and waved back…at least you don’t get branded as some psycho maniac…in fact, in the words of fats on our first day, as we stopped for a lavvy break at some bayside town (which I suspect was taupo…)

‘this place is Happyville!’

Hahaha. That dude. But it’s really quite true…the kiwis are really nice people, as personified by our BQMS driver, reuben (sanders, not the other Singaporean maggot…) I hope, for one, that he really had fun with our sections! And all the stuff he did, like taking us climbing up that hill in Nursery. And for all the shit-talking…and now we know someone’s Maori name, don’t we? HAHAHAHA…and thanks for letting us fool around with your Steyr AUG (I hope no one in NZDF reads this) and your equipment…it’s been really cool getting to know you, and I certainly hope the experience has been the same for you too.

And did I mention that there are some hot peh pehs in the NZDF?

Now the scenery. Who could ever forget them? From the vibrant colours of the sunrise at Nursery, to Mount Ruapehu being in the background always, to Lake Moawhango glistening in the foreground at Carbuncle, to all the rainbows we saw, to the stars painting the most beautiful of nightscapes…I can’t describe it to you really. You got to see it to believe it.

The tracking could’ve been better. Part of the time the radio was down, and for 3 days (the initial 3 days, thank goodness) the radar was down…and I must say the two radars gave the FRT a bloody fucking nightmare of an outfield…they had to run from one deployment ground to the next to repair the radars…thank goodness everything sorted itself out for the FATEP phase (except for the requirement to manual boresight every morning…and the quirks of the radar…which were both seriously dodgy) and we tracked tons and tons of rounds! At least we have something to base our exercise report on.

Thank goodness.

And since pictures speak a thousand words apiece, I’ll let them do the talking…

Suffice to say that as a final exercise with the specialists and men of TA Battery, it was a jolly good time, wasn’t it? Although I didn’t have much time to interact with them (since I was locked away in that shelter with CO and CI breathing down my neck) except for mealtimes (when we could talk cock with reuben, yang wee and everyone else,) the nocturnal fish-and-chips treats, and the nights in the tonner, wrapped in our sleeping bags, talking shit about everyone. HAHAHA…that was fun…glad to know I’m not space as derek calls it.

2 a.m.! Time to get my winks…

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Ngati Tumatauenga

That’s Maori for the god of war’s people.

After coming back from THUNDER WARRIOR ’06…I must say that although some parts were really fucked up (like a certain someone…) but I’ve come to like and love ANZAC. The people, the culture, and least of which the beautiful scenery. That’s also perhaps a huge plus point of going overseas on exercise…you avoid all the tourist traps and see real natural beauty. The snow-capped peak of Mount Ruapehu, which accompanied us wherever we went in Waiouru training area, in all its resplendent beauty…now what tourist thing brings you to such places?

The mornings were, however, bitterly cold, and at places like Nursery, where it gusted almost all night, most of us were just thankful that we had a sleeping bag to burrow into and stay warm all night with. (yes, for all you disbelievers out there, they were that fucking warm. And comfy.) Thank goodness we all adapted more or less for the FATEP phase, which made the mornings much more bearable…

Okay, I’ll write more tomorrow. Am wasted, and the fact that NZ has a +5 time difference from Singapore isn’t particularly helping my creative spark. So, yes…it should be 4 a.m. over there now.

Big yawn now!

A glimpse of heaven?

No expedition can succeed without medical support!

Mount Ruapehu. And my 2nd home.

'Welcome to NZ, gentlemen...'

eric, contemplating the intricacies of life

Auckland, taken in a strange light...

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

A mishmash of random thoughts

I have 3 goals in life.
Read my lips: NO TAX!
I really don’t wanna go outfield anymore…
I hear the gentle beating of mighty wings.
I am your inner star. Did you think that you could ever be rid of me?
There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are thought of in your philosophies.
Arbeit macht frei.
I, too, am human. I need to be loved.
Without light, there can be no shadow.
What if your words could be judged like a lie?
December 7th, 1941. A date which will live in infamy.
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
I’ll have another Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, please.
Cela est bien dit, mais il faut cultiver notre jardine.
Why can’t you just leave me alone? I can’t love you.
Habemus Papam!
Please don’t tell me that everything is wonderful.
I had a vision.
What suffering would the inmates of Hell know, if they could not dream of Heaven?
Now that I’ve protected world peace and made the world a safer place…I’m going to Disneyland!
In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he came…
Warum soll ich nicht lachen?
I am proud to say, ‘ich bin ein Berliner.’ (= I am a donut…)
One must first go through eternal suffering, before one can find eternal enlightenment.
Congratulations. It’s a girl.
Beware the Ides of March!
There is more to love than this…love is more than just a kiss…
Take me to a place where blind men see.
Schenk uns ein friedlicheres Leben, wenn du uns verzeihst!
I’ll fly with you.
You complete me.
Könntest du einmal nur mit meinen Augen sehen?
She has to grow up, if not this relationship isn’t going anywhere!

…

I will be away in New Zealand for EX THUNDER WARRIOR ’06 from tonight til the 26th January. Please don’t miss me. I’ll have tons of pics for you all when I get home. If you must reach me, you can reach me at my Handynummer.

Take care, and be well.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

What's Next?

I’m going to have a nuclear-sized headache soon, and maybe vomit blood all over my keyboard.

The fucking decision process on whether to take a scholarship or not is really driving me nuts…now I wish I’d never ever applied for a fucking scholarship in the first place. Granted, I’ll be well-to-do when I go and study, but is this really what I want? Winning the lottery may not be the best thing in the world, huh?

Let’s get back to principles. What was it that I ever wanted? I know that when I was just a child, I wanted to be a rocket scientist, funky groovy shit like that. Then as I grew up, I came to understand that life is short, and now all I wanna do is to see as much of the world as I can before I die. Which could be tomorrow. Or the day after. Or 7300 days later. Or when I’m 106 years old.

You can tell when I’m pissed about something. Either I smoke or listen to techno music. And I’m blasting sunshine live Deutschland now. So go figure.

I’m really torn. I know that once I take this particular scholarship, I’ll probably never let it go as a career. I don’t harbour any illusions of grandeur about become some big fuck scientist or the Chief of Defence Force. I just want a stable career, a (hopefully European) wife, kids, a home, a means to support my sister (who is mentally handicapped, for the uninitiated) and to see a lot of the world as I go along.

You may say that that’s all good and well with a scholarship – you get a secure job and get paid all through university. But that’s about all that’s good. I’ll tell you this – if I ever wanted to work for the government, I’d have signed up with the SAF already. I can’t foresee myself working with the SCDF…and I feel rotten even thinking about it now. Like what the fuck…the stink of it all is that I must either be really idealistic and strong-willed, or something must fuck up really badly for me to want to go after my bond. Think about the promotions and the money…i mean, no matter how idealistic you may be, you still have to be realistic. Money talks and your dreams don’t.

That also means that I’m very liable to head-hunting (as if I was really that damned good.)

I tried applying to the private sector once but the lead went cold. Bastards. That’s their loss.

I must say, however, that I chose to take up a scholarship mainly based on one thing: my family. It’s really more of a façade that we’re really well to do, because we may not be actually. My sister is going to need lots of full-time support and what’s gonna happen when the dough runs out? Do I want to go and pursue my dreams, come home and face my parents who are working on just to support my sister…do I think, then, that maybe I should have taken it? Or let’s just use the flip side of the coin. I can come back and be really unhappy with the system, but they just give me cash to keep my trap shut. Is this happiness anyway?

But part of me is tired of all this. Tired of the fact that because of what happened in your family, and because of the fact that you sure as hell cannot choose your family, that I’ve been taught since young that I’ll have to support my sister no matter what. Tired of putting everyone before me. Tired of putting my work before me. I’m really, really tired. And I don’t want this to destroy me.

But what do I do?!

There is another way…although looking at it from the aspect of money is really myopic, I understand that places a huge financial stress on my parents. I am perfectly willing to work while I study. It’s another experience, and perhaps having work and having to get a source of income means that I have a lesser opportunity to get into trouble, if you know what I mean.

Unless I become head of some secret society over there.

Sigh. Pulling out all my fucking hair man…so pissed about this whole thing! Hopefully I can sell the other option to my folks. Will also have to make them see that I may not come back…see where the fates take me, huh? Hrmph.

In my own words,

Der grösste Trick wird auf jeden gespielt. Er heisst Schicksal.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out of

All this week, I have been asking myself the following question:

Should I take up a scholarship to study?

Some people are strongly advising me against it – since my folks can afford it, they could just very well send me to Germany on itself – it’s only the living costs which are expensive…(well, until there’s another change in the Bildungspolitik, that is…) and sometimes thinking about it, I really cannot see myself working in the future as a, what, SCDF officer? I cannot imagine myself being tied down and having to work for a number of x years because it will likely be my career.

I don’t want to be tied in Singapore – I’d rather work for some company which lets me see the world. I mean, of course, I have so many close friends in the Army that I’d probably be back for ICT and all that shite…yet at the same time, I don’t want to feel like I owe someone a living and thus have to slog for x years just to pay it off. And it’s not like I’m going to be able to leave later. Sure, everyone says you can just leave. But when you think about your next upcoming promotion/upgrade in rank (which should require you to stay for another year or so)…would you leave?

What bollocks. Sigh.

I also don’t want the money of my sureties to hinge on my results and my personal integrity. By which I mean being true to myself and to no one else. I’m not completing my studies because someone paid me to do so.

Sadly, when I brought it up to my parents, I got snubbed. Quite badly, if I must add…The way I was replied reminded me of the time when I was 15 or 16 and they wanted to bring across the point that i can’t make changes as per my every whim and fancy. Yes, true, I can’t do that anymore. And yours truly has really been giving it some thought. I’ll think over it again in THUNDER WARRIOR. At least I only have to decide in March…that’s some grace for me at least.

Also, I was thinking: if I can go and work in the private sector instead of the governmental one, I think I would be better off going there, yes? Sigh.

I’m stuck in a moment, and I can’t get out of it.

These questions were plaguing me as I was outfield yesterday. Outfield was…quite boring. But I’m quite impressed with the guys – I mean, even boss was quite happy…he cut the exercise at like 3 a.m.? I expected it to last ‘til noon and then some…hmm…oh…thunderflashes and blanks were fun! The cleaning, however, sucks. Sigh. There’s pros and cons to everything, I suppose.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

wollen Sie, Chef, dass ich vergesse, wer ich bin?

Melvyn and I were talking trash in the office today when he suddenly brought something up which made me instantly serious.

I’ve noted lately to my growing annoyance that everyone in my batch is fading away except us. Yes, as in the robbie williams song, ‘it’s only us….’ And I’m starting to get the horrible suspicion that boss is just exploiting all of us. I mean, come on. We’re the only fools still running up and down battalion line like a bunch of complete retards running errands. And, sadly, we’re the only fools who are dumb enough to come back to camp and get arrowed.

Sigh.

It’s already fucking 2006! I should be starting to fuss over my uni applications, but I haven’t. I should be fussing over if I should take a scholarship or not (and that’s really beginning to trouble me some) but I don’t have the time to. I really pray that boss realizes that we’re going to go in March, like it or not, and that he needn’t really milk us for all we’ve fucking got! I mean, we have better things to do…Really.

And what’s this I hear about a compulsory subaltern parade tomorrow? Fuck it. Got a medical appointment. Y’all can go and burn in Hell, maggots! Haha.

Melvyn has a point. We gotta stand up and declare that we’re clearing now, now, and now. If not we’ll keep coming back and God knows when it’ll end. Until we all forget we’re ORD personnel and sign on forever. Hooray.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Jahresrückblick 2005: Alpha

Strange how I decided to write my Foreword after all’s been done?

Looking back on 2005, it’s been one hell of a year. And who’s going to remember them when they’re long gone? I was reading samantha’s Jahresrückblick and indeed, she spurred me on to writing for this year. And hopefully for many years still. And just like this year has a different meaning for every person, so it is up to us to tell our own tale.

We are part of a never-ending chronicle, for even when we are gone, we are immortalized in memories, pictures, and stories. But that’s for everyone else – this is for ME. One day I’ll come across them again and remember what 2005 was like. I may forget the places, the voices, the colour of your hair, the clothes you wore, but I’ll never forget the feelings that were there.

So presenting to you, without further ado, my 2005 Chronicle. Good reading.

Jahresrückblick 2005 Teil 4

Close to the stroke of midnight on this very special night, I am writing the chapter of my Jahreschronik which closes the year.

In October, the maggots commissioned and entered our battalion line. There was a certain period of upheaval when best friend totally showed the side we all feared he’d show after commissioning. You can bet your ass that the new officers were super pissed off – as for us, it was more the ‘we told you so’ mentality. Sigh. I hope boss realizes his mistake. Sigh. It was difficult at first to stomach, but I think we’re more or less numb already. What a fool. But we assumed that with new blood, we could sit back and relax and well, laissez le bon temps rouler, but…we were so wrong.

Boss didn’t make it any easier by pouncing on the new officers as well as the old guard…he was so happy that now there were 6 people to share the work…which meant he just happily churned out a full FATEP training schedule…maggots man! Sigh. Fading away like fats, john, yu ru, pornoman or forest has become a near-impossible task. We also took ICCT – learning how to hurl ourselves upon hard surfaces was something I thought we’d never do again after OCS – but it was really quite good fun! Hahaha…I’m proud that the entire TA Battery passed on the first attempt!

October also saw me getting arrowed to be the secretary for the CO’s Conference…something which put my perception in the senior command in another light…it amazes me how they can spend 1 hour bickering over trivialities. It’s something they could really do without. I’m sure that you must have some agenda if you’re bringing up such issues during CO’s Conference…what, trying to make the other BCs sympathetic? Perhaps you could’ve done it better by going to S1 in private. I’m sure it would’ve saved a lot of time. Well. It’s insignificant because after 1 hour of bickering, nothing went into my minutes anyway.

And not to mention the 9 hours spent sitting in front of my computer at work! Goodness. Thank goodness for my very last DOO, which actually presented me with the opportunity to sort things out properly.

October was also a month where my blogging must’ve found a certain Renaissance period. Back were the intellectual, argumentative posts, along with a return of something which brought back a hint of emotional upheaval. I debated over religion, read Nabokov’s Lolita, and got quite affected over her decision to go for my junior batch’s commissioning ball.

I must explain myself, of course…basically, it’s something so special for us that we want to make it as memorable as possible for ourselves and our dates – expecting that they’d probably never go for another one. What I couldn’t stomach was that she decided to go, expected me to treat it as no big deal (which it fucking was to me,) told the organizers how to improve their comms ball (what, so mine was a failure?) and lastly…telling me that their ball was better. Well. I don’t have a problem with it being better, but I didn’t have to know. Sigh. I wonder if she know what she did…I felt so destroyed after that! My goodness.

…maybe she thinks I’m a loser to choose her
but I can’t seem to get her out of my mind
is it I’m just like a dummy – oh honey,
I’m not that outdated, just so underrated…

November wasn’t much better as well. I was finally freer on the weekends, but having no one to go out with was a serious drag. However, I felt the ORD mood crawling over me slowly…finally I began feeling like a civilian! Of course, that didn’t mean that my work attitude changed (well, not much), just that I felt that it was all going to be over in a flash. But I still got arrowed…sigh. In preparation for THUNDER WARRIOR (thank goodness I’m going for it) melvyn and I got caught up with the packing again…sigh. I don’t understand, however, why neither fats nor sven got recalled to help with the packing. And with S4 on course, I became the acting S4, running all the coordination again! I wonder why all this happens to me, even when I’m going to ORD, looking forward to becoming a civilian again.

…I don’t wanna be anything other than what I’ve been trying to be lately
all I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I’m tired of looking round rooms wondering what I gotta do
or who I’m supposed to be
I don’t wanna be anything other than me…

Luckily for all that ORD mood egging me on. Hahaha. But I did discover something. Having a right attitude is good, but maybe not as an NSF. It just opens the floodgates for more work. However, this is strictly personal. And I, for one, do insist on maintaining a right work attitude to work. It’s what you do, and it’s what you’ve been trained to reflect.

BUT!

I had fun in November too! Went drinking for the first time with isabelle…and although we really tried (we did hor?!) to, err, acquaint kah yee with all sorts of drinks (especially shots) she declined and declined and well. Perhaps some people do become jumpy around alcohol. I’m not there to judge anyone – especially not one of my best friends. I also met the OAC guys for some Ubin Slickin’ – if it can be called that. Somehow, the OAC folks haven’t changed much. They still love to talk trash, and have good fun at the same time. And it’s still true that I can’t out-cycle them. They’re just too godlike…hahaha…and it was certainly nice to pay a visit to our super juniors and well…share our experiences with them!

It’s kinda strange, cuz my batch never had much contact with the junior batch after our direct juniors (hope this doesn’t sound too complex) because most of us got carted off to OCS or to some leadership school (yes, the pedigree of OAC members is there.)

And yes, I flunked driving. I’d rather not talk about it here. And I admit to goofing up. I’ll do my darndest best to avoid it again. And for the record, I feel that luck doesn’t play 99%...it’s somewhat less, IMHO. But anyways.

And now, to December. Looking back on December, I can’t think of much to write about. It revolves around only a few things:

1. Going out to Acid Bar with my mates and drinking and getting high and all rowdy and talking trash. Now, friends, that is a night well spent! I never regretted being the Boss (although that has to change sooner or later…) And dudes, we so have to do it again.

2. The return of robin chua. My goodness. Being demanding is an understatement. That I’d rather he not be here is too.

3. The maggoty spec course. I detest them. Goodness. The standard of guys they’re producing from SISPEC nowadays! Ten of them wouldn’t make one FATA Spec right now. Yes, they’re that bad, and guess what – they’re too welfare-oriented! How on God’s green Earth could they have complained to RSM about tough training – I’m sorry, but I’m dispensing my duties with care! Bloody maggots.

4. Going window-shopping a lot with babycakes. Dude. Let’s BUY something next time. Jeez.

It’s strange, isn’t it? How you find that there’s less to write about the closer that particular happening was…I really don’t know why it functions that way. Hmmm.

And geboren:

xiaojun – 16.Oktober
forest – 16.Oktober
reuben – 1.November
ah cheng – 11.November
jason – 1.December
maybe – 18.December

That’s all I have…

And here’s wishing ihr alle da draussen a fruitful 2006! May all your desires come true…Well, legal ones, that is.

Excelsior!

Breathe. Smile. Cry. Run. Fly. Laugh. Love. Loss. Anger. Wonder. LIVE.

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